All About Me: Writing Activity of Piwakawaka (Senior Class) of Maruia School facilitated by Mrs. Paula Sheldon

 All About Me

Beatriz
Sister of Socorro and Enrique.
Who loves my daughter, music, and swimming.
Who likes sketching, dancing, and learning how to bake.
Who hates unplanned outings, arrogant people, and loud places.
Who eats pasta, mangoes, and kimchi.
Who plays paper dolls with Bergette, Sudoku, and the piano.
Who is good at creating things, abstract reasoning, and looking for good bargains.
Who worries about my family in the Philippines, driving, and "what's for dinner?"
Shingle Creek Farm, State Highway 65, Maruia
Cariño-Isolana

Such An Eventful First Month of 2024

And just like that, January 2024 is done.

The first 36 days of 2024 were eventful. A summary of the first month of 2024:

• My family and I went on our first family holiday since we (our daughter and I) arrived in New Zealand. Our daughter loved swimming; she swam at the Maruia River, in a paddling pool in the middle of the city, and in the thermal pools at Hanmer Springs. Yes, she is a water baby.

• I learned a few new recipes in cooking and baking. I have yet to perfect them, but the food was edible.

• Oh! I got an extremely short haircut! The shortest haircut I have ever had. I am contemplating whether I should write a separate post about this. Hmmm...

• In my New Year's Day post, I mentioned that I was looking forward to opportunities soon. The opportunity I was referring to was employment. I sent my application for the Teacher Aide role at my daughter's school last December 2023. On the 11th of January, I was interviewed and accepted for the role on the same day. As of writing, I am officially employed as a Teacher Aide.

• I also mentioned in my New Year's Day post that we will move to a different farm. Well, I have an update on that too. My family will no longer be moving because my husband will be moving up the ranks. My husband will be the only one from their current dairy farm team staying and managing the farm. This is good news for me, as my employment at the school won't be cut short. I was worried about moving because I would have to look for another job after recently accepting one. But now that we are no longer moving, it is a relief that I will be working at the school a little longer.

There are hiccups and frustrations amid the good updates, but at the end of the day, these are my small successes moving forward.

And that is all the update for the first days of 2024. I am looking forward to sharing more stories in the future.

Ciao~

A familiar place to start something new

Yesterday was my first time joining a Zumba Class. For some reason. I felt elated and amused at myself. I am once again in limbo since I resigned from my work last January. I have had moments of highs but definitely experienced a number of lows recently. Whenever I feel like this, I tend to revert to my "safe zones." My safe zones are places and activities that I have done before, making me feel secure and lessening my anxiety. Below are activities that I tend to revert to:

• listening to one song repeatedly for weeks and even months.
• watching movies that I have watched before where I can predict the ending.
• waking up later than usual.
• refusing to leave the house unless it's utterly urgent.
• eating more than usual.

I am not sure if I have shared it here before, but I have been struggling with anxiety and depression symptoms since I was in high school. I haven't formally asked for help but I plan to before the year ends. At the moment, I am just getting by.

Back to the Zumba class. The reason my interest was piqued, only for one reason, the venue - it was at the Miriam College Integrative Lifestyle and Well-being Center (ILAW Center). Miriam College is my alma mater, and I have been aware of the ILAW Center since 2006. But this is actually the second time I availed of their services. In short, I felt "at home" with the setting.

After celebrating my 33rd birthday last April 30, I made a resolution to "do something" for my health. I would like to work on my overall health, not just mentally but physically and socially. I would steadily make plans to achieve my desire to be an EMT or somewhere near that at least. But I felt that I had to start somewhere where I know I would be comfortable trying something new.

I am not sure if this makes sense - a familiar place to start something new.

I checked the Facebook Page of ILAW Center and saw that they were offering Zumba Class. Dancing is my passion but I have always been insecure about my body and my movements. I had my doubts about going to the class but the drive to attend it was stronger.

I have no regrets. I enjoyed the session; I saw myself move and dance in front of a mirror. I was taken aback by my own movements. I felt confident, happy, and content. Didn't realize my own capability until that moment. It was tiring but it was worth it. I am not sure if this is just temporary, but I am hoping I can maintain and be consistent in going to Zumba class.

The feeling of self-care is a little uncomfortable because I feel I have been pleasing everyone around me for years, and failing. Even before, I felt that doing self-care is selfish especially if you are a mom, like myself. The internal struggle is overwhelming. This is one of the reasons why I decided to "do something" in my life. My mind is bombarded by thoughts that paralyze me to do my day-to-day activities. On the outside, I seem nonchalant, but inside I am spiraling in my own thoughts.

This is just a small step and there is a rough road ahead of me. I am not doing this just for myself, I am also doing this to better care for my daughter. There are more problems I need to deal with and I aspire to overcome them. Finish with grace and my sanity intact.

Hoping for consistency and a peaceful mind in the future.

Half the year has passed... an update

Half of the year has passed and it has been an eventful one. At the start of this year, I was wondering what this year will bring me. Now, I would like to give a short summary.

January - I got my certificate for Caregiving Course.

February - Idle month.

March - Philippine Red Cross First Aid and Basic Life Support Training. It was also my first time donating blood.

April - I had an appendectomy a week before my birthday.

May - The busy month!!! I started volunteering under Philippine Red Cross. One of my first duty was during the National Elections. I volunteered for Sunday Mass duty and Free Medical Check-up duty for the succeeding weeks.

June - The most eventful month!!!

        - I was able to find work as a Caregiver. Though I got the connection through our local Red Cross Chapter, the reason I got work was that I am a Maryknoller and I have trained as a Caregiver.

        - My daughter also started her "schooling" this month. This has been a great concern for me since 2020. But now that she has started, I am more relieved and confident about my daughter's future.

        - My daughter and my niece celebrated their birthday this month. As expected, preparations had to be done. During my daughter's birthday, we invited the sons of a family friend. This is the first time that we had guests for my daughter's birthday since she celebrated her birthday here in the metro. The girls call them brothers.

        - It was also my first time having a Sunday Mass duty at St. Joseph Parish Church for Philippine Red Cross, and during my duty, it was my first time responding to a minor incident on my own.

July - At the moment, this month has an uneasy feeling. There are impending changes at work that are creating a rift between me and some people I am working with. The changes at the end of the month will most likely affect my work schedule, my volunteer schedule, and of course my management of my daughter's schedule and schooling.

In the past, this feeling of uncertainty would bring me anxiety, but this time around, I feel calmer and more accepting of possible changes in the future. My assumption is that I have gained back some of my self-confidence in the past few months.

Note to self: "You are moving forward and getting somewhere Bea. One step at a time. I have all these dreams I would like to fulfill, one day I will MAKE IT REAL*"

*Make It Real by Generations from Exile Tribe

Realization because of Cello's Donuts (something to do about relationships)

 As I mentioned in my previous post, my sister and I had a realization while we were eating Cello's donuts yesterday.

Cello's Donuts is along Katipunan Ave, Quezon City, and it is a stone-throw away from my school and Rei's school. We had our individual stories regarding that place, both about a relationship. As we shared each other's stories yesterday, we realized that Rei was a side character of a shoujo manga.

Rei had a crush on Prince*, the best friend of the protagonist. And if I were to describe him in my own words from yesterday:

"So, he is that best friend. The quiet, mysterious, upper-class, pampered, good-looking, intelligent best friend." Practically the best friend of the protagonist in every shoujo manga. The protagonist, King*, is athletic, outgoing, friendly, independent,  middle-class, and does well in academics.

For some reason, Rei invited Prince to go to a hobby shop, which is the same place and is the same owner of Cello's Donuts. On the way there, they met King. He was surprised that Rei and his best friend were together. He then started to tease my sister and Prince. When he left, Rei apologized to Prince because of the teasing. Prince smiled and shrugged it off. They then continued to their destination.

Upon realizing the "characters" in her story, she said:

"No wonder I was not getting anywhere! I was a side-character in a shoujo manga!"

These brought us both to tears laughing.

As for me, I told Rei that mine was not as compelling as hers.

Cello's Donuts brings me bitter and sweet memories. A confrontation happened with the person I had a relationship with, and the said person walked out. Though, it was also the same place where I met a close friend of mine. I told her that the relationship between the person I was involved with and me was over. We had an engaging chat while eating after that.

At first, we just accepted my memory as a simple story. I then jokingly said that if I changed the gender of the people in my narrative, maybe it might become a BL manga. We laughed aloud again, but then I realized that was possible. And from then onwards, I continued to fall into a dark rabbit hole. Update on a story based on my college relationship maybe in a few weeks? or months? We'll see.

The most ironic about all this is that my sister is known for being a fujoshi queen. In the end, she was part of a shoujo manga. For me, I admit that I tend to like shoujo mangas. In the end, it was me who is part of a BL manga.

The irony of it all.

I am a Catholic: Influence, Upbringing and Learning

Being a Catholic has greatly influenced my upbringing both in a positive and a negative way. 

A little background: I grew up in a strict Catholic family. We have traditions and “obligations” rooted in the Catholic faith that has been passed down from generations to generations. My sister and I studied in an all-girls Catholic school for 14 years.

It is because of my Catholic upbringing that I learned the importance (and sometimes my dependence) of (in) prayers, in triumph and thanksgiving, in defeat and desperation, in decision-making and uncertainty.

Chapels have been my sanctuary for years whenever I feel overwhelmed or when I feel something unnerving is about to happen. I cannot count how many times I have bawled my eyes out at our high school chapel. When I was already working, I would still visit our high school chapel even though it was on the opposite direction from my workplace.

I have owned a necklace with a crucifix ever since my junior year in high school, though the crucifix changes over the years because I sometimes end up giving my crucifix to people who I think “needs it’s guidance and protection.” more than me. I know how weird this sounds, but in my case, a crucifix helps me feel “more grounded” is situations that make me anxious.

Growing up, I have been taught (specially by the nuns) to pity those who are less fortunate than me. I would volunteer in outreach programs (I still do, but my demeanor is somewhat different now) and give alms to the poor.

Later on will I realize how these teachings I learned would be twisted and turned against me, specially by my own family. I was called weak, gullible, and “detached” from the cruelties of reality just because I was showing basic human decency. I am having second thoughts sharing about this part as this is still raw and fresh, maybe some other time?

To continue, the family tradition that I used to respect and follow has become a source of conflict between me, the brother of my grandfather and my uncles and aunts. It has become a “mini competition and a show of money” rather than a sincere devotion to the faith.

For most of my educational years, I followed the teachings of the Catholic Church by the book. I was so proud of that, to the point I have become arrogant and closed-minded about the issues against the church. The ones who taught me to be open-minded were my high school friends. They too had a Catholic upbringing but the way they discussed and talked about the flaws of the Catholic Church made me better understand my faith.

Unfortunately, when I went to college and after I graduated, somewhere along the line, I got lost again. 

I was sure about my faith and my belief, then someone criticized my way of praying being too short or being lazy. Suddenly I changed the manner of how I prayed, I then heard myself ask too much, that I would sound utterly selfish.

I was involved in church organizations that I thought, during that time, would help me in my spiritual journey. Boy was I wrong. My understanding of the Catholic faith was having an open-mind and an open heart in understanding people’s life, views, opinions and situations in life. When I joined these organizations, I was boxed in certain biases that went against my understanding of my faith. People around had the same so- Called bias and I, succumbing to social pressure, followed their belief, their norm, their views. In the long run, it became a source of internal conflict within me.

I was devoured by my pride believing I was in the right “stand”. I was a hypocrite.

Then I had my own family, I gave birth, and it took another four years after that to “rediscover” my faith once more.

For the past 30 years of my existence, I based my decisions, my views and my morals on how I was raised in a Catholic environment. Only to realize that the very same environment would be my downfall.

At the moment, I would say that I am still in the “initial” stage of my rediscovering my faith. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic or just the desperation, or maybe both? But I feel the lack of dedication and sincerity in my prayers - it’s unnerving and frustrating.

My learnings from all this, despite having a strong influence and upbringing based on the Catholic faith:

• I can still get lost and become a hypocrite.
• That understanding faith and belief, is a constant journey of rediscovery.
• Vigilance and critical thinking should be practiced when deciding once views and stands.

At the end of the day, basic human decency, open-mindedness, understanding, and unconditional love is the core of being a Catholic.

Online classes struggle

 The struggle of online classes is real.

My daughter likes moving around since she practically grew up in the province where in she was allowed to run around, climb anywhere (with guidance of course), and exhaust herself to her limit.

She learns through play. And since the online classes are limited to video conferencing and given worksheets, my daughter is not interested. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter likes the idea of school, she just does not like the idea of school being at home.

She likes doodling, coloring and painting, but not tracing or writing (letters and numbers).

She knows her colors, but refuses to do worksheets, she likes using them on arts and crafts.

She knows her numbers, but on paper, she likes it when she plays hide and seek.

She likes building stuff from different toys and making stories with these toys, but is scared and shy of video calls.

She is caring, tender and helpful, but bashful and sensitive. I am fine with that.

My daughter’s sleeping habits have changed since the pandemic. At the end of the day, she still has so much stored energy that it takes time to tire her out, thus she sleeps later that her usual bedtime schedule.

The struggle of online class is added to my pile of worries and anxiety, but what can I do, this is the new normal.

I try my best to teach her, and I know she can do these things. I guess the home environment is really getting to her. I can’t blame her for that. Maybe play is her only way of compensating for not being able to go out for five months now.

This is totally different from the open area that she was used to when she was in the province. Even when we moved here in the city, we still found time to go out and walk around, explore our surroundings. Now with this new normal, she is practically a prisoner in her own house.

I am currently contemplating on asking help from my previous professors in my former school/work place who specialize in child education, because really, my daughter deserves more than I can offer her right now.

Ps. I just thought of something as I was ending this post. Asking for help from professionals for your kids’ education should be normalize and not looked down by others. There is a notion that if you ask help from professionals, that child is incapable of learning (or in Filipino culture “bobo”). When in truth, the form of learning may simply be different from how the child processes information, and that is okay.

Different learning styles, specially in early childhood education, should be normalized and understood by everyone.

Skeleton in my closet

I’ll keep it short.

It was high school.

I was vulnerable, naive, desperate and lost.

He took advantage.

I kept it secret...

Until now.

I found out there more of us.

But I had it worst.

——-

This is the statement of my batch, MCHS Pink 2006.

Details about the issue is searchable on the internet.

feeling of haven at Miriam College

We all have that piece of haven where we feel at peace and safe, recently, for me, this haven is Miriam College. It didn't start as such though, but in the past few months, this has been my "comfort place"

For eight years, I studied in Miriam College (high school and college) and like any other student/teenager, I had my own share of drama. Despite the roller coaster of experiences while i was studying here, the high school chapel was always my sanctuary. Even after i graduated from college, i would sometimes take a day off from work just to visit the high school chapel, especially in moments of resignation and hopelessness.

I came back to my Alma mater after four years to work here as a technical assistant. Before I worked here, work-life seemed so tiring and I was always nervous about going to work because of the task I had to do. Add to that, the commute was a big hassle (Ortigas and Makati.) I was already tired by the time i arrive at my workplace. Salary wise, it felt like I was always waiting for the next paycheck. Now that I am working in Miriam College, work-life felt better. I feel more relaxed and at ease even if the work can be troublesome sometimes, at the end of the day, I am able to finish them. I don't worry about anything when I leave work as I know I can still do it the next day. I felt really at home since I started here. Of course the pay is lower than what I was receiving when I was in the corporate world, but I never felt that I was waiting for the next paycheck. Also, I already have savings, unlike when I was with the corporate world.

My God's Gift, Joy, once told me something about feeling at peace at their house (their room they are renting now) because of the altar and the prayers that seems to echo within their room. As I pondered on this, I realized, maybe, just maybe, the reason I felt at home here in Miriam College is because of the chapels (high school and college chapel), the environment (i am a nature/province girl) and the people (well educated, spiritual and very engaging conversation wise). I realized, not that I am here, I have longer prayer time and scripture reading. I am able to be more at keen to my spiritual side since I started work here. The core values being instilled in the students is the same, being an employee, maybe even stronger. I am not sure if it is just me, but being an alumnae, I feel more empowered knowing that I can also mold these students the way the school has molded and guided me with the core values.

I guess other than being a safe place, a haven can also be a place where we feel we have purpose and we know we can move and touch other lives. A haven need not simply be a place of sanctuary, but also a place of learning, growth and inspiration, not only to ones self but also to other people.

where or what is your haven my friend? :)

10 years gap letter

this entry was inspired by an entry by my friend, Mimi. also, influenced by the song title [letter song] enjoy!


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to the me, ten years ago...

hi Bea (12),

this is rather awkward and you might not believe it,  or maybe you will. this letter is from you ten years in the future. i do not mean to change your future, i merely want to tell you that life will definitely be a roller coaster for you in the coming ten years.

i'm sure you would like to know the details of the coming ten years, i'm sorry to disappoint you but i wont be giving specific details. all i can give you are advise.

cherish your friendship with your high school friends. believe me, when you look back from here i am now, they are the ones who will open your mind to a lot of views in this world. we are still friends until now, i believe that already says a lot. (^_^)

high school is the most dramatic part of your life. i believe you are still in first year high school right? you still have three more years to go and it will experience a lot of struggles and happy moments in high school. a warning though, this is one of the "darkest" part of your life. emphasis on struggle. if i was asked  if i wanted to change my life in high school, i would have mixed emotions. though it as gloomy, there were people i met in the later future that really meant a lot to me. just be strong, when you feel that there is no hope? look back on this letter. you will ask more questions and will still be impatient, but i tell you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

college will just be a breeze as compared to high school. though there will be complications, so another warning there. i would like to take this opportunity to ask you a favor. you will meet a person who you will cherish a lot. here name is Tessa. she will make you laugh, she will make you cry, she will hug you, she will understand you, she will be your strength and your weakness. please, treasure her because you will be going through a lot together. if i had one regret, it was that i did not cherish her enough. this is why i am taking this opportunity to remind you to cherish her. she can be selfish at some point but believe me, she is the person ho understands you the most. the complication i mentioned earlier? she will be your adviser and you will be supporting her in a lot of ways too. also, you two are a "good combination" that will mean a lot by the time you graduate college. (^_~)

there will be a time that you will not know what you would want to do with your life. my advise? go with the flow. there are struggles but hey, i'm content with where i am right now. (^_^)

people and friends will be a big part of your journey in life. you ill have a small group of friends but they will be the ones who you can really rely on. changes are inevitable to just go with the flow. it can be frustrating at times but just going with the flow will work. (^_^)

imagination, emotions, feelings and dance are both your strength and your weakness. there are times you will use them well and there will be times that they can ruin you.

don't be to hard on yourself. everything will fall into place. learn to love yourself more and appreciate the small details in life. smile, it brings out a lot out of you and it attracts the good people around you. (^_^)

i believe, that's all i can remember to say for now. i'm sure you have a lot of questions, unfortunately i can't answer them directly.

have faith and believe in God.

oh, before i forget. if you feel blocked in any task, my advice is to go back to basics. (^_^)

enjoy! chiao~

-beatriz carino (22)

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to the me, ten years after...

hi beatriz (32),

how are you? i wonder if you were able to meet your "oishi" or be friends with zukki? or even more? (^_~)

i have so many questions for you! were you able to reach your dream? were you able to go to japan? europe?

i'll quote some of the translated of the lyrics from the song [letter song] of some of the questions in my head right now.

" Are you happy right now? 

 Or in loneliness

Are you crying?... 

Who do you like now?

Or maybe it hasn't changed

You still like that person?..."

sorry for being sappy but it's true. i really wonder what what you are doing now and are you contented with life? people have been a great part of your life. how are you and your friends? or have you gone your separate ways?

so many questions! sorry about that. i really hope you are happy in where you are now. i love you. (^_^)

-beatriz (22)

ryo's family day

a few weekends ago was the school family day of ryo.

ryo had a performance with his classmates and he also had a performance with us, his sisters. (^_^)

for our performance, ryo did all the planning.

we simply polished it. (^_^)

nice job young man!

haggard games

what was my agenda immediately after we arrived from naga?

the haggard games

i rushed to the sunken garden/ grandstand of the university of the philippines diliman for the shooting of a video to be presented on the orientation of the first year medicine students of uerm.

to tell you all the truth, i was surprised the my friend mikey and our former class president, who is now part of the council, messaged me about the video.

i was in naga when i received their message.

i turned it down initially because their shooting was supposed to be monday, the day before our arrival to manila, and that means i could not make it.

the next day, i received a message that said that the shooting was moved to tuesday.

i immediately said yes since by that time we were scheduled to be already in manila.

on the day of the shooting, i was late.

the train arrived behind schedule so i really had to rush to check what were the materials i needed and took a taxi to the venue.

from that point onwards, everything went smooth and on schedule. (^_^)

i really had fun doing the video.

thank you to the director, victor borlaza,

the messenger, jonathan alegre,

and the other messenger, cameraman for the shoot and dear friend, mikey cruz.

and to the rest of the crew, thank you for this opportunity. (^_^)

earrings + red cross training

maricia brought her beads last wednesday and we made earrings. (^_^)

the one on the bottom left (with feathers) was made by maricia for me (^_^)

thanks dear~

on a different note,

our red cross training ended well last wednesday.

we had a reenactment of a possible mass casualty.

maricia was my partner and i really learned a lot from her.

she was more of the main aider and i was assisting her.

though it was merely a reenactment,

i was glad that maricia was my partner because she was very calm and she knew what to do.

if i was alone, i would not have known what to do. (>_<)

thanks dear. (^_^)

dedication

my dear med school friend wrote a dedication on a plastic container i had. (^_^)

it goes like this:

Bea dear,


i hope hindi tayo magkalimutan (i hope we won't forget each other)!


I'll be missing your spur-of-the-moment long way/walks home.


At least may kasabay ako pauwi (at least i have somebody with me when i go home). :)


I'll miss you!!!


Mwah,


Beth

thank you my dear. (^x^)

*the colored font are translations

drama

too much drama today and it started pretty early in the morning. (>_<)

as a quote from my twitter account,

"tears. they are a great relief. :)"

so that sums up what practically happened today.

ja~ (^_~)

fuel

my fuel for tonight's all-nighter-studying. hot chocooooooo~

boost

biochem exam did not go well...

it was just too much...

i just had to boost myself up...

it was too much...

yogurt green tea from chatime? (^_^)

acads

minna! how are you?

we have a series of quizzes this past week which explains the lack of posts.

in every quiz i had, i had to give myself a treat.

it was like my "pat in the back" to encourage me.

i had a large amount of pure chocolate drink, green tea latte and green tea shake.

doing this is not really recommended as it's an overdose of sugar and it's expensive. (TwT)

tomorrow will be the start of my log tests!

(TwT)

another week of stress, sugar and short-temper for me.

beware, you have been warned.

"my social life..." -by thera-chi

"my social life, outside (med) school revolves around >insert names of "seigaku" members<"

this was from the facebook of eiji-senpai aka thera-chi (^_^)

and i agree with what she said. (^_~)

i went out with my "seigaku" today at sm north edsa.

it's nice to go out with them despite the "crazy" med life. (^_~)

by the way, this was my outfit, all from my aunty maite except the shoes, it WAS my brother's. (^_~)

untitled

dear grades.

i am speechless.

-bea