10 Year Gap Letter (after 10 years)

Almost 11 years ago, I posted a letter to myself in this blog.

Honestly, I know that I posted it but didn't realize it has been (more than) 10 years since I posted it. It was only by chance that I decided to backtrack the post. Realizing it has been 10 years, I would like to take this opportunity to "reply" to my letter and post another one for my 33/34 year old self - hopefully I am still using this blog site 10 years from now.

Of course, the song that inspired these entries.

  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the me, ten years ago...

Dear Bea (22/23),

I don't know how to say this - We are content with what we have right now. But the happiness that we have been yearning for, we are not there yet my dear.

We haven't found our Oishi or Zukki, but we are married and we have a beautiful and amazing daughter.

We are have our small accomplishments, yet, we continue to "reach for a dream."

We haven't travelled to Japan nor Europe, but we will be moving to a different country with our family.

We will be meeting more people along the way, but our high school friends, will still be there to listen to us - specially Angeli and Lian.

Do you remember Edelyn? We will rekindle the friendship we have and she will play a major role in our future relationship. She will be our confidant and support. I warn you though, she will challenge us and make us question decisions in life, but this is for us to realize what you really want to happen in our life.

Remember our frustration in helping people in healthcare? We will have that opportunity but it's not how we thought it would be. This is definitely one of the highlights when we hit our 30s.

We will enter an intimate relationship and this will test us. There will be ups and downs like any relationship, and we will eventually make a family with him. But here me out, married life is not what we think it is.

The next few years will be a roller coaster for us and there are major life events that will change our perception of adulthood and life. The world will change due to a pandemic and we will make life decisions that will greatly affect our future. In jest, our life will revolve around our family, specifically our daughter.

The future is far from what we thought it would be.

We keep on going back to basics because we keep on getting lost. But don't fret, we always bounce back. We learn to appreciate smaller things and we are more humbled by events around us. We continue to believe in our abilities and skills, but we also learn how to celebrate in silence.

I don't want to dishearten you. The next years are still learning experiences for us. Stay strong, I can assure you, it will pass. You will see it through, hang in there, CHANGES are inevitable - just give yourself time to digest it all.

Stay true to yourself and before I forget, MUSIC will always be your salvation. You will hear more artists and they will also be your inspirations. LOVE YOURSELF my dear Beatriz.

That is all for now.

-Beatriz (33)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To the me, ten years from now...

My dear Beatriz (43/44),

I learned that happiness has different levels, are we happy and content? Or are we finally happy like what we have been yearning for?

Are we still crying for the same reasons? Or are we crying tears of joy?

How far have we travelled? How many destinations have we visited? I hope we have reached the balance of home and travel we have been looking forward too?

How is Bergette? I hope we have prepared and guided her well for her future.

Are we able to protect those we value? Are we stronger and more cable?

I continue to quote some of the questions from the song:

" Are you happy right now? 

 Or in loneliness

Are you crying?... 

Who do you like now?

Or maybe it hasn't changed

You still like that person?..."

Are CHANGES still difficult for us?

Are we still ourselves?

I hope when I look back on this post, I can say "Finally!"

Till we meet again.

Beatriz (33/34)

A year since I revived my blog, how am I?

Last year, I decided to revive my blog on my 30th birthday. A year has passed, and I thought of giving a rundown of what has happened this past year.

I started blogging again for personal and "selfish" reasons - for my mental health. I reread my post from last year and realized how crass the post sounded. I didn't mean to sound rude. During that time, I felt that working on my mental health was a selfish thing to do as a mother, and I felt guilty. Thankfully, I have friends who supported me and constantly reminded me that it's ok to find time and splurge on myself once in a while.

Even before the pandemic started, I have been struggling emotionally and mentally. I decided to do something about it and go back to the basics. One of those was blogging.

For the first few months, my posts were light-hearted. As the year progressed, I shared my opinions, stand in political and national issues, past experiences, raw emotions, anger, and frustrations. The posts right now range from random things that inspire me or my opinions/ideas that I would like to share.

Trying new things, rediscovering past hobbies, and a change I made

Growing up, I have always been afraid to try something new, afraid to fail and disappoint. The only time that I felt confident in trying something out of the ordinary was when I was in college. But after that, I would not say that I was a risk-taker. This past year, I tried learning new skills like baking, trying new cooking recipes, starting a business, planting an urban garden, fixing a shower, and investing in stocks. I also revisited past hobbies like drawing, dancing, photography, and playing the piano. Most were trial and error, but there were moments of success. Fear and laziness still delayed me from starting the projects. But when I eventually got to it, whether it was a success or a failure, I felt accomplished. This time around, I didn't put any pressure on myself. Whatever the results may be, at least I tried. It is only recently that I accepted that it does not matter if I am good at my hobbies. What is important is I can do it, and I enjoyed doing it.

One thing I changed that impacted my mental health was temporarily deactivating my Facebook for a month. And when I reactivated it, I limited my use of the platform to sell things. I rarely scroll through my feeds or react to posts. It was a life-changer for me.

My future plans

Around January last year, I decided I will be taking a course in Caregiving. The classes got delayed due to the pandemic, but it eventually pushed through last November. Saying I get anxious about becoming a caregiver, especially abroad, is an understatement. I am currently in the middle of the course, and I am still questioning my ability to deliver. I am scared of uncertainty. But at the end of the day, I don't want the feeling of regret for not taking the opportunity. Currently, this is the route I am choosing for my future. I am hoping to find purpose upon taking up this new chapter in my life.

I mentioned trying new things, harnessing new skills, and rediscovering past interests. But other than that, we had a struggle last year that we will never forget. It was when three members of our family tested positive for COVID 19. The level of anxiety, anger, and uncertainty was off the roof. Thankfully, nobody else got infected, and everyone eventually tested negative after two weeks of quarantine. It was a trying year for my family and me, but we continue to move forward.

How am I a year after I started this self-project of mine?

As compared to last year, I have a better understanding of my ability and skills. I have more confidence in trying new things, accepting failure, and clear goals on what I want to do or happen in my life. Little by little, I can say that I am comfortable with who I am.

What do I have to work on and improve?

I am aware that there is still a lot that I need to develop within myself, like consistency, patience, and self-control. These are some of the attributes I still have to improve. There are times I would still second-guess myself, and I still feel anxiety when things suddenly go awry.

The battle with my personal "monsters" has just begun.

Hopefully, my 31st year has better outcomes for me in the future.

Thank you for everyone's support, especially from my sister and my friends.

"If you can learn to love yourself and all the flaws, you can love other people so much better. And that makes you so happy." -Kristin Chenoweth

First half of 2020

“What is the most useless material that was bought in 2019?

...

A 2020 Planner”

This... is partly true.

The ash fall from the eruption of Taal volcano at the first month of the year, shutdown establishments, highways and airports. Limiting most of our movements due to the air being unsafe.

We thought this was just a little bump at the start of the year. Everything seemed to have been back to normal after a few weeks - or so we thought.

Come March, everyone was forced to a lockdown/ community quarantine due to the pandemic. Half of the year has passed and some areas are still in community quarantine, though some business have been reopened, most areas still feel like ghost towns as there are only limited number of people allowed in establishments.

Wheeeeeww!!!! That was depressing.

To make things a little lighter, I would like to share what I am grateful for despite the first half of the year being unpleasant.

At the first two months of the year, my daughter was able to visit to at least one province from Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao.

Let me elaborate on that. We moved from Abra to Manila last October 2019. So our home base is now Manila.

So for the first day of January, my daughter and I were in the Province of Abra in Luzon.

A few weeks later, late January, we went to the Province of Zamboanga del Norte in Mindanao, with my husband who was on vacation. This is my husband’s province. We were there for about a week.

Mid- February, we went to the Province of Cebu in Visayas, to accompany my aunt who was visiting from Australia.

Despite the months after the being shitty, I look back and still feel grateful that my daughter and I were able to travel. Though, truthfully the only reason we were able to travel is because we had family matters to attend to.

What I am trying to say is, at least my daughter was able to see different places before she was home-locked due to the pandemic. 

It is within this first half of the year that I started to return to blogging and tried to revisit some of my forgotten hobbies. This is a work in progress.

That is all for now I guess.

I wonder what the other half of the year will be.

Till next time.

—- 

PS. There are other things that happened within the first half of the year, but these are family matter that I cannot share in my blog.

PSS. To those saying “ang yabang naman” or “check your privileges girl”...

I want to make it clear that the travel to different provinces were opportunities that I decided to take for my daughter to be able to see places. We don’t usually travel, it just happened that we had to go to these places and it happened that we had/ we were offered the resources for it.

I acknowledge the fact that we are one of the “lucky ones” who, despite the pandemic is still able to live comfortably. Though that does not mean that we don’t go out of our way to help in our small ways - we simply don’t post in public the kind of help we provide.

Updates

It has been two months since I returned to writing my personal blog. As I have mentioned in my initial posts since I returned, I am doing this to alleviate myself from stress- emotional, physical and mental. This is a way to gauge my progress and to assess what has been helpful or counter productive for me.

This is also an opportunity for me to look back and reflect what has happened the previous month - things I am thankful for, those I need to follow up on and those I should be changing or avoiding.

Every year, at the first week of June, we start to pray the nine-day novena to St Anthony of Padua. My mom and I decided to continue to pray the rosary every night even after the nine-day novena. This gave me more reason to manage my time and my tasks. It gave me a little more structure in my life, it gave me a little sense of control - my fifteen to twenty minutes of reflection and silence.

I think I am gaining a little interest in photography again, not sure with this as my subject is always the city sky. We’ll see in the future. Currently I am limited to my clampshell phone, but with a little filter, it seems nice. Please don’t get me wrong, I love my phone, but it is more challenging to take photos with it because it does not have the high resolution of the current popular phones. Though I do love the challenge 😏😏😏

It was also this month that I had to unearth a skeleton in my closet. It was revealed because of a current social issue. I will post about it in a few days. Made me cry and crumble inside, but it also made me a little relieved knowing that there are people who understood me in the end.

I have some tasks that I delayed or are still delayed from last month and my dad is already nagging me about it. My bad. I hope I get to finally accomplish them on July.

Last but not least... I got a haircut and my glasses! Finally!

Guess that is all for now.

Till my next update.

Toodles~ 

Reason for return

It has been more than a week since I started blogging again. Just to warm up, I started with lighthearted and simple posts, some may even say superficial.

I believe it is time for me to divulge my real intention for returning.

The reason I got back to blogging is for my selfish self. Yes, you read that right, my selfish self. For the past few years, I have been struggling to find myself and I feel I have truly exhausted my own psyche. I have been excessively tired, frustrated and annoyed at almost everything. So I have decided to get back to the things I used to do that made me “happy” and one of them is blogging.

When I was younger, I always said “when you are lost, go back to basics”.

I seemed to have forgotten this line, so when I read it as I was revisiting my previous posts, I had an epitome. And so I decided to come back, on my 30th birthday.

So here I am again, rediscovering myself for the enth time. I wonder if there is a study about this? Rediscovering yourself over and over again? Maybe I will write about that in the future.

To continue, blogging is my coping mechanism. As I said earlier, I came back for personal reasons. Please do not expect inspirational, practical and even motivational posts from me. The entries here will be raw, emotional and the real me.

For those who knew me from 2013 until now, you might be surprised with the entries you see here. This is a totally different me. But for those who have known me from before 2013 like my sister Rei and my close friend Shiz, this ain’t new to them, they might even say, the real “me” is back.

Shiz might probably say “you have lost your muchness.” As I quote from Alice in Wonderland (the Mad Hatter, I think?) or she might even say, “I know you’ve always been emotional, but this has got to be the longest time that you did not bounce back.”

Well, I won’t bounce back immediately as I know, “I still have lots more to work on.” (Oh only Rei and Shiz will get this >_<) I still have a long way to go, and like before, I will take things one step at a time.

This is a new chapter in my journey called life. You are welcome to join me, and if along the way you disagree with me, and you can no longer keep up with me, then please just leave. Please don’t waste both our time.

If you say this is very selfish of me, well, I have mentioned it at the start of this blog, this is for my selfish self. This is my avenue where I can release all the thoughts in my head.

What is the purpose if it doesn’t help others and it’s just about me? I don’t have to post anything just to prove that I have my ways of helping other people. I believe the real sincerity of helping is when you do it anonymously and willing, not because of “reason”. Besides, there are different ways in helping people, just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean that I don’t do it.

So yeah, I guess that’s all I want to say for now.

Till next time.

Returning for my sanity

Will revive my blog for the sake of my own sanity. ^-^

More details about my return in the future.

For now,

私は、戻った.

Returning for the enth time

I will try to return and post once again. (^_^)

I am hoping that returning to blog will give me more control of the unending lingering of my thoughts.

Please support me. (^_~)

release

so how does it work?

you cry your heart out,

fall on your knees,

collapse on the floor,

breathe.

go on with life.

between me and kagi

*note: kagi and i have been friends since high school. recently, she closed/ deleted most of her social media accounts except twitter. as for her blog, she still has it because she said that's one thing she can't let go. (^_~)

anyways, this letter is for her. why do it as a post on my blog? because she said she finds my informality, lack of technique and rawness very entertaining. (>_<) also, it's because this is our only way of communicating to each other recently. in short, it's a way to get her attention.

---------------------------------------------------

to my friend kagi,

how are you? i can't remember when was the last time we had a decent conversation. anyways, i saw the your post/entry before you deleted most of your social media accounts. i now understand why you were so mad at "them" and you decided to just detach yourself from such social media sites. yes, it can be saddening, the medium that was intentionally created to reach out and make friends is the very same medium that is used to promote negativity and remorse. i salute you for having that strong will to detach yourself from such rubbish and insensitive actions. the words they used were harsh and i myself felt offended, even though i was not part of the discussion. i am proud of you because you just stayed away from the mess and walked away from such hostility.

i hope i can do the same, but like what you said in your post,

"how you handle it depends on how well you know yourself. if you know that it will cause you more harm and negative emotions, then why should you endure it? life has too much to offer, why focus on this lone hostility against you?"

i admit that i do not know myself too well. you know what i am talking about right? you know how much i hold on to the people whom i trust. you know how important it is for me to have that "company" so as to prevent some "events" from happening. though i rarely post in my social media accounts as compared before, the total detachment that you did was just admirable. i still check mine every evening (for some announcements or post from real friends) and i admit that sometimes i feel that "emotion" you were referring to in your post.

anyways, i hope you can teach me how you did it. hehehehe.

take care my dear friend. till next time.

beatriz

ps. email me once you have read this. i know you have a lot of comments in store for me after scrutinizing my post. :p

back

hello everyone. (^_^)

forgive me for my unannounced hiatus. there were just too many things that happened in the past 4 months and i deemed it inappropriate to post them here due to its "raw" nature. I was also afraid it might offend others.

moving forward, i'll be posting entries once more and i hope you would still be entertained by them.

chiao~

2014

good day everyone. how is your 2014 so far? (^_^)

well, in my case, it has been very nice (^_^)

i was able to go to my services in lectors and commentators and i was able to attend a leader's conference for CFC.

for my family, all seems well. we have a few conflicts but we are still together and we have been talking about our future plans recently. they seem to be more open to the things i have been doing recently and i am really thankful for that (^_^)

there is definitely more to come this year.

i am blessed that i am alive to experience all these.

it makes me feel like a witness to life, to God's greatness, to God's love.

more to see, to experience, to know this 2014.

God bless us all. (^_^)

untitled entry

my parents always told me that the world is not perfect.

they said that i was the type of person who did not see the bad or the imperfections of the world.

people warned me of my expectations.

they said i was an idealist.

it made me think.

was i simply optimistic or ignorant?

did i choose to be oblivious to what is happening around me?

was this my way of protecting myself from being hurt?

or is it a way for me to have a better view of the world we live in?

is it a thin line or i just do not have enough experience on how to deal with life?

alive!

minna-san! o-genki desu ka?

baku wa, genki desu!

(^_^)

sorry everyone i have been so behind with my updates and entries.

yes, i am still alive and very much happy. (^_^)

we have returned to our parent company, Quest.

the work here is different from that of Macquarie,

i hope i can do better here and i can learn more here in terms of recruitment (^_^)

it's still to tell what is the degree of the work load here.

hopefully i can give an update in a month. (^_^)

please expect more entries in the next few days.

chiao~

artists: respect

respect goes a long way.

this is an entry worth sharing. this is from my comic book artist friend, Gilbert Monsanto.

ARTISTS, one and all.

10 years gap letter

this entry was inspired by an entry by my friend, Mimi. also, influenced by the song title [letter song] enjoy!


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
to the me, ten years ago...

hi Bea (12),

this is rather awkward and you might not believe it,  or maybe you will. this letter is from you ten years in the future. i do not mean to change your future, i merely want to tell you that life will definitely be a roller coaster for you in the coming ten years.

i'm sure you would like to know the details of the coming ten years, i'm sorry to disappoint you but i wont be giving specific details. all i can give you are advise.

cherish your friendship with your high school friends. believe me, when you look back from here i am now, they are the ones who will open your mind to a lot of views in this world. we are still friends until now, i believe that already says a lot. (^_^)

high school is the most dramatic part of your life. i believe you are still in first year high school right? you still have three more years to go and it will experience a lot of struggles and happy moments in high school. a warning though, this is one of the "darkest" part of your life. emphasis on struggle. if i was asked  if i wanted to change my life in high school, i would have mixed emotions. though it as gloomy, there were people i met in the later future that really meant a lot to me. just be strong, when you feel that there is no hope? look back on this letter. you will ask more questions and will still be impatient, but i tell you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

college will just be a breeze as compared to high school. though there will be complications, so another warning there. i would like to take this opportunity to ask you a favor. you will meet a person who you will cherish a lot. here name is Tessa. she will make you laugh, she will make you cry, she will hug you, she will understand you, she will be your strength and your weakness. please, treasure her because you will be going through a lot together. if i had one regret, it was that i did not cherish her enough. this is why i am taking this opportunity to remind you to cherish her. she can be selfish at some point but believe me, she is the person ho understands you the most. the complication i mentioned earlier? she will be your adviser and you will be supporting her in a lot of ways too. also, you two are a "good combination" that will mean a lot by the time you graduate college. (^_~)

there will be a time that you will not know what you would want to do with your life. my advise? go with the flow. there are struggles but hey, i'm content with where i am right now. (^_^)

people and friends will be a big part of your journey in life. you ill have a small group of friends but they will be the ones who you can really rely on. changes are inevitable to just go with the flow. it can be frustrating at times but just going with the flow will work. (^_^)

imagination, emotions, feelings and dance are both your strength and your weakness. there are times you will use them well and there will be times that they can ruin you.

don't be to hard on yourself. everything will fall into place. learn to love yourself more and appreciate the small details in life. smile, it brings out a lot out of you and it attracts the good people around you. (^_^)

i believe, that's all i can remember to say for now. i'm sure you have a lot of questions, unfortunately i can't answer them directly.

have faith and believe in God.

oh, before i forget. if you feel blocked in any task, my advice is to go back to basics. (^_^)

enjoy! chiao~

-beatriz carino (22)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
to the me, ten years after...

hi beatriz (32),

how are you? i wonder if you were able to meet your "oishi" or be friends with zukki? or even more? (^_~)

i have so many questions for you! were you able to reach your dream? were you able to go to japan? europe?

i'll quote some of the translated of the lyrics from the song [letter song] of some of the questions in my head right now.

" Are you happy right now? 

 Or in loneliness

Are you crying?... 

Who do you like now?

Or maybe it hasn't changed

You still like that person?..."

sorry for being sappy but it's true. i really wonder what what you are doing now and are you contented with life? people have been a great part of your life. how are you and your friends? or have you gone your separate ways?

so many questions! sorry about that. i really hope you are happy in where you are now. i love you. (^_^)

-beatriz (22)

9999

yey! 9999 page views as of today. (^_^) its  not really that grand as i started this blog three years ago. but i'm just glad that there are people who read my posts, it may be deliberately or by accident. (^_^) also, i am amused with the consecutive 9 numbers, it looks like a representation of infinity. like when a calculator has reached it capacity of ho many numbers it can show. it either shows error or the number 9 in a consecutive manner. (^_^)

hello

hi everyone!

how are you?

me?

busy and tired.

still at work.

i have a lot of pending entries but i can't find enough time to post them.

(TT_TT)

i hope i can post properly tomorrow.

chiao~

new all

hi everyone!

as you have noticed,

i have changed the background of my blog.

the design is a little experiment/risk but i'm ok with it. (^_^)

as you have noticed,

my color theme this year is blue. (^_^)

highly influenced by the song "blue dahlia" by d-date. (^_^)

i also included new links,

photobucket and tumblr.

i have also changed the background of my twitter and livejournal.

hopefully, i would have more time to blog compared to a few months back.

moving forward,

i now present to you,

the pictures for new year 2013!

(^_^)

update

hi everyone! been a very loooooonng time since i last updated. though, mind you, a lot of events has happened that i can be sure of. (^_^) the pictures are all stacking up in my laptop. unfortunately, i do not have the internet connection to upload them all. maybe i'll pust a post and a link for all my pics since i last updated. (^_^) anyways, right now i am using the desktop of my dad. let me remember what i have been doing since my last update... hmmm.

/looks at facebook, twitter and her mobile phone.

well... it's been a year since i offcially became a member of Singles for Christ. (^_^) me and my batchmates sponsored the food for our Christian Life program. it was our way of giving forward or giving back, however way you look at it. i would say a lot has changed since last year and i hope the change still continues for the better. (^_^)

i have attended a wedding for a cute couple who are also our fellow SFC members. we were the ones who sang for the wedding. i would admit that it was a bit of a disaster but we were all just very happy for them. (^_^) we will be singing in another wedding this monday for another couple from SFC. i hope our singing is better this time around. (^_~)

a bunch of us also performed at the Saterdotal anniversary of our parish priest. aiza and i were the ones who chose the music. bjoy and i did the choreography and i also did the editing for the songs. it was fun but there were a few misunderstandings and bad blood bad the way. thankfully, we were able to overcome this and we were all in good terms after the performance. (^_^)

oh! i went to hong kong last weekend with my officemates. it was an all-expense paid trip by our boss. we went to disneyland and had dinner at the Peak. it was my first time to go to hong kong so i was very excited. i had fun but i wish i had more time to walk around though. (^_^) as i said earlier, pictures will be uploaded as soon as i have enough time and the right internet connection. sorry! m(_ _)m

oh by the way, the first few things i looked for when i was in hk? FANTA! hahahaha! and yes, i did find it. unfortunately, i could not bring it here in the philippines because it was not allowed on the plane. (^_^)

christmas is just around the corner. (^_^) been taking pictures of "christmassy" thingies these past weeks. i hope i get the chance to post them in the near future. and i mean NEAR! (^_^)

i'm very sure i'm missing other details of what i have been doing recently but i really hope i could share them here. (^_^)

chiao~

hi

hi everyone, how are you? sorry for the lack in posts. i will be updating in a few days, i hope you are all well (^_^) chiao~