10 Year Gap Letter (after 10 years)

Almost 11 years ago, I posted a letter to myself in this blog.

Honestly, I know that I posted it but didn't realize it has been (more than) 10 years since I posted it. It was only by chance that I decided to backtrack the post. Realizing it has been 10 years, I would like to take this opportunity to "reply" to my letter and post another one for my 33/34 year old self - hopefully I am still using this blog site 10 years from now.

Of course, the song that inspired these entries.

  

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To the me, ten years ago...

Dear Bea (22/23),

I don't know how to say this - We are content with what we have right now. But the happiness that we have been yearning for, we are not there yet my dear.

We haven't found our Oishi or Zukki, but we are married and we have a beautiful and amazing daughter.

We are have our small accomplishments, yet, we continue to "reach for a dream."

We haven't travelled to Japan nor Europe, but we will be moving to a different country with our family.

We will be meeting more people along the way, but our high school friends, will still be there to listen to us - specially Angeli and Lian.

Do you remember Edelyn? We will rekindle the friendship we have and she will play a major role in our future relationship. She will be our confidant and support. I warn you though, she will challenge us and make us question decisions in life, but this is for us to realize what you really want to happen in our life.

Remember our frustration in helping people in healthcare? We will have that opportunity but it's not how we thought it would be. This is definitely one of the highlights when we hit our 30s.

We will enter an intimate relationship and this will test us. There will be ups and downs like any relationship, and we will eventually make a family with him. But here me out, married life is not what we think it is.

The next few years will be a roller coaster for us and there are major life events that will change our perception of adulthood and life. The world will change due to a pandemic and we will make life decisions that will greatly affect our future. In jest, our life will revolve around our family, specifically our daughter.

The future is far from what we thought it would be.

We keep on going back to basics because we keep on getting lost. But don't fret, we always bounce back. We learn to appreciate smaller things and we are more humbled by events around us. We continue to believe in our abilities and skills, but we also learn how to celebrate in silence.

I don't want to dishearten you. The next years are still learning experiences for us. Stay strong, I can assure you, it will pass. You will see it through, hang in there, CHANGES are inevitable - just give yourself time to digest it all.

Stay true to yourself and before I forget, MUSIC will always be your salvation. You will hear more artists and they will also be your inspirations. LOVE YOURSELF my dear Beatriz.

That is all for now.

-Beatriz (33)

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To the me, ten years from now...

My dear Beatriz (43/44),

I learned that happiness has different levels, are we happy and content? Or are we finally happy like what we have been yearning for?

Are we still crying for the same reasons? Or are we crying tears of joy?

How far have we travelled? How many destinations have we visited? I hope we have reached the balance of home and travel we have been looking forward too?

How is Bergette? I hope we have prepared and guided her well for her future.

Are we able to protect those we value? Are we stronger and more cable?

I continue to quote some of the questions from the song:

" Are you happy right now? 

 Or in loneliness

Are you crying?... 

Who do you like now?

Or maybe it hasn't changed

You still like that person?..."

Are CHANGES still difficult for us?

Are we still ourselves?

I hope when I look back on this post, I can say "Finally!"

Till we meet again.

Beatriz (33/34)

[昨日より赤く明日より青] of Generations from Exile Tribe

We all experienced that, right? Turning red out of anger and frustration chasing after what we desire, yet, at the end of the day, we are still lonely, alone, and blue?

I think this is what makes the song [昨日より赤く明日より青] of Generations from Exile Tribe relatable. We have all experienced thriving, surviving, and pushing ourselves to the limit, to the point of alienating ourselves from those we love.

[昨日より赤く明日より青] is the theme song for their Cinema Fighters Project where six of the members starred in individual short movies, and the vocalists sang the theme songs for two of the shorts.

Pinoy Pop

I want to share songs from Filipino artists that I appreciate at the moment. Most of the songs that I share are from Japanese artists, but I want to clarify that I enjoy songs from Filipino artists. Most singers that I appreciate are either veteran artists or underrated artists.

Disclaimer: I am not a professional in the music industry. Everything in this post is according to my taste in music and my preference.

Right now, SB19 is mainstream. But back then, they were underrated. Until now, they receive a lot of bashing from fellow Filipinos. Their musicality is exceptional, and their movements are well choreographed. I believe these boys have appeal in terms of talent, not just the physical attributes, which we usually see in our local boy groups. Here is one of their recent music video.

Next is Maymay Entrata. She started as a winner in a local tv contest. I admit that I did not expect much from her as a singer. The local entertainment industry forces some winners of their programs to the mainstream even if they lack the training for it. But the case of Maymay seemed different. She has talent and, in addition to that, she makes time to train and practice her art. I was surprised to see her in this music video. I think she has potential with her vocals and, maybe, in the long run, she can be a total performer.

Lastly, Alamat is a new and upcoming boy group. I think the group has potential. Their artistry is a little different from the usual boy groups made here in the Philippines. The concept of the boys singing in their local dialect is a good idea. Hopefully, they can retain that. Their songs and covers have a distinct sound in them, not just because of the different dialects used, but the beat and tempo are unique. It may be too early to praise them, but hopefully, their craft would evolve in the long run. Below is one of the songs that they covered that I like.

There are other Filipino artists that I would like to share here, but I'll limit it to three for now. I will share more in the future.

Socially Withdrawn

For the last four years, I have been socially withdrawn, limiting my interaction and social ties with siblings, my parents, and a handful of friends. Then again, I am an introvert in the first place. It just happened that my world seemed smaller after I gave birth to my daughter about 5 years ago.

This pandemic seemed to have just worsened my condition.

I saw a documentary about people who disappear on their own accord and the hikikomori culture, both from Japan. I am aware of the hikikomori culture in Japan. Though this was the first time that there was a slightly positive tone to it. Here is a link to the documentary:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1uhyM7gN50&t=1092s

This gave me insight that I was not expecting.

I understand the intention and the feelings of people who want to suddenly disappear and have a new life. I will not lie. The thought is at the back of my head, but of course, I will not do it. Though I never really realized that there was such a phenomenon in Japan. Some people cannot keep up with the expectations that are set up for them. This can be daunting, especially if you have a family - I am one of those people. 

Excuses and weakness are what other people would say. This notion is toxic. These views may even be one of the culprits why "escape" feels like the only option.

In Japan, some teenagers feel that they do not fit in society and cannot escape. Locking themselves inside the room seems to be the solution, the hikikomori culture. Staying within one's comfort zone seems a comfortable decision. Though in the long run, there are grave consequences that are also mentioned in the documentary.

In the documentary, I heard about Futokos, kids who develop anxiety and refuse to physically go to school. This has been a concern for years now. But it comes out there are small groups now that create a better environment for these kids. When the children eventually adjust, they successfully go back to the school system.

A kid that was considered a futoko has decided to be home-schooled. The parents support his decision. Personally, I think parents' support is a big help in any decision of a child.

Personally, I felt the anxiety of going to school when I was younger. But my feelings were downplayed, and they said I was too sensitive. As a young child, it has always been instilled in me. Growing up, I have always felt insecure, incapable, and lacking in confidence. Though I have been trying to change that in my adult years, there are times that I still second-doubt myself.

Socially isolating myself by living in the province had its pros and cons. Life in the rural is definitely simpler. My problem was that the type of education my daughter needed was not in the province - or so I thought. We moved to the city months before my daughter's school was supposed to start. Unfortunately, the pandemic happened. The rest is history.

I was about to prepare myself for the hustle and bustle of being in the city. But in the end, my social isolation was extended.

In addition to my social isolation status, I recently deactivated my Facebook account for security reasons. I only left two social accounts active and my blog. Once again, I limited my social connections. Mind you,  this is an opportunity for me to re-assess the people that I am friends with on social media. It has only been a week since I deactivated my Facebook account, but I already sense a little peace and calm in my daily life. We will see what might happen in the next few weeks.

Being socially withdrawn for some time now, maybe it's not that bad as most people describe it. In my case, I was able to find people who accept me for being socially withdrawn. Shout out to my high school friends who would welcome me when I "appear" and understand when I "disappear." Also, a big thank you to my sister Rei, always there for me every day, literally. 😃😃😃

Stranger for Rent

I saw this post on Facebook.

 

I read some of the comments, and most were laughing or making jokes sarcastic reactions about it, even saying it might be somebody's dream job. 

Though these are light humor, if we are to analyze the situation, it is depressing. I can personally relate to this on the side of the client. Ever since I could remember, I felt I should always look and act a certain way. Never show weakness and always look confident, fake it till you make it, what most people say.

This helped me when I was a student and when I was younger, but as I was starting to enter adult life, it has become an internal struggle. I would always filter what I say and second guess myself in everything I do. I eventually came to a point when I simply kept everything bottled in because I was afraid of what other people would think of me, especially my relatives.

I understand the client in the video,  talking to a total stranger about events in your life that you cannot share with people who are literally with you every day. The stranger has no previous information about you. It is unlikely to see each other again in a social gathering.

Sometimes, we merely need someone to accompany and listen to us, an individual who would not complicate a "yes or no" question. To have social interaction without attachment nor commitment, merely a temporary presence to interact with.

If I was in Japan, I would most likely ask for his services. Of course, with safeguards in place, and good intentions in mind, this service might be a relief for someone like me.

Chase Holfelder

This is an interesting Youtube Channel. I specifically have a great interest in his videos where he transposes popular songs from a Major Scale to a Minor Scale.

He gives a certain spice to popular songs that we are used to listening to.

Personally, this was refreshing to hear.

Highly recommended!

ABS CBN Christmas Station ID 2020

Every year, my family and I look forward to the Christmas Station ID of ABS CBN. The video never fails to tug our heartstrings and make us cry. This year was no exception.

The well-known television company is currently having problems with its franchise renewal. Despite the struggle with limited sources, they tried their best to deliver this station id for this holiday season.

Song: Ikaw Ang Liwanag At Ligaya

I know this sounds cliche, but really, watching this, I felt a little warmth, and saw a little shine of hope despite this chaotic year.

“I hate Mondays” - Garfield

The start of the week has been idle, bleak and uneasy.

My sister said maybe I just lack sleep. Then I said:

• maybe it’s the uncertainty of this pandemic, or
• the way the government has let us down (anti-terrorism bill and pandemic), or
• my own thoughts drowning me, or
• hot weather, or
• because I slept at 3’oclock in the morning 😅😅😅, or
• my monthly visit is about to arrive or
• because it’s a Monday!

Or ALL of it!

“I hate Mondays!” - Garfield

I couldn’t agree more. 😁😁😁

I little trivia, there was a study published in The European Journal of Epidemiology last 2005 saying that people are most likely to have heart attacks on Mondays. 😏😏😏 Click this link for the article.

Also, here is a song by the Boomtown Rats “I Don’t Like Mondays” 😂😂😂

Hopefully the rest of the week would be more productive. 🙏🙏🙏

my dearest - supercell

for those who are following my blog, you would know that my official "song" this year is "my dearest"

the song was originally sung by supercell, but halyosy has a version and the later version was the one i chose for this year.

as i was browsing through youtube, lo and behold, i found the PV for my dearest!

i thought, "this definitely is worth the post."

chiao~

videos

we all have that moment, hen the videos give you goosebumps and you just want to share it (^_~)

so many videos have given me that feeling and i cant even remember why i watched and listened to these videos.

anyways, i just wanted to share it to you guys~ chiao~

Serena - GLOC-9 feat.Ebe Dancel



Time after time - moumoon



Don't Cry For Me Argentina - Nicole Scherzinger





Sa Isang Sulyap - Juan dela Cruz OST



Phantom of the Opera 25th Anniversary



there are a lot more videos i would like to share. unfortunately, there are the only the ones i remember. (^_^)

just give me a reason

we are the reason

i first heard this song when i as part of the rerun of the play Selpie.

summer

beat the heat with the all famous halo-halo and of course ice cream!

and because they are famous for their "summer inventions"

i present to you....

"summer belongs to you" from phineas and ferb

birthday celebration

i would like to take this opportunity to thank those who were able to attend my celebration. i really hope you guys enjoyed the night. (^_^)

pictures

one of the may performances that night


and lastly, pizza making video!

i give my all

where do I begin (love story)

fuji-senpai, do you remember when you played this on the piano and I would also dance?

Indigo 4

this was last 2010 but i only heard/saw it recently.

posting because the Takagi twins are here and because Kousei Amano is also here. (^_^)

Love Someday Again～また会う日まで～

aaawww~ this actually hits home...

10 years gap letter

this entry was inspired by an entry by my friend, Mimi. also, influenced by the song title [letter song] enjoy!


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to the me, ten years ago...

hi Bea (12),

this is rather awkward and you might not believe it,  or maybe you will. this letter is from you ten years in the future. i do not mean to change your future, i merely want to tell you that life will definitely be a roller coaster for you in the coming ten years.

i'm sure you would like to know the details of the coming ten years, i'm sorry to disappoint you but i wont be giving specific details. all i can give you are advise.

cherish your friendship with your high school friends. believe me, when you look back from here i am now, they are the ones who will open your mind to a lot of views in this world. we are still friends until now, i believe that already says a lot. (^_^)

high school is the most dramatic part of your life. i believe you are still in first year high school right? you still have three more years to go and it will experience a lot of struggles and happy moments in high school. a warning though, this is one of the "darkest" part of your life. emphasis on struggle. if i was asked  if i wanted to change my life in high school, i would have mixed emotions. though it as gloomy, there were people i met in the later future that really meant a lot to me. just be strong, when you feel that there is no hope? look back on this letter. you will ask more questions and will still be impatient, but i tell you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

college will just be a breeze as compared to high school. though there will be complications, so another warning there. i would like to take this opportunity to ask you a favor. you will meet a person who you will cherish a lot. here name is Tessa. she will make you laugh, she will make you cry, she will hug you, she will understand you, she will be your strength and your weakness. please, treasure her because you will be going through a lot together. if i had one regret, it was that i did not cherish her enough. this is why i am taking this opportunity to remind you to cherish her. she can be selfish at some point but believe me, she is the person ho understands you the most. the complication i mentioned earlier? she will be your adviser and you will be supporting her in a lot of ways too. also, you two are a "good combination" that will mean a lot by the time you graduate college. (^_~)

there will be a time that you will not know what you would want to do with your life. my advise? go with the flow. there are struggles but hey, i'm content with where i am right now. (^_^)

people and friends will be a big part of your journey in life. you ill have a small group of friends but they will be the ones who you can really rely on. changes are inevitable to just go with the flow. it can be frustrating at times but just going with the flow will work. (^_^)

imagination, emotions, feelings and dance are both your strength and your weakness. there are times you will use them well and there will be times that they can ruin you.

don't be to hard on yourself. everything will fall into place. learn to love yourself more and appreciate the small details in life. smile, it brings out a lot out of you and it attracts the good people around you. (^_^)

i believe, that's all i can remember to say for now. i'm sure you have a lot of questions, unfortunately i can't answer them directly.

have faith and believe in God.

oh, before i forget. if you feel blocked in any task, my advice is to go back to basics. (^_^)

enjoy! chiao~

-beatriz carino (22)

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to the me, ten years after...

hi beatriz (32),

how are you? i wonder if you were able to meet your "oishi" or be friends with zukki? or even more? (^_~)

i have so many questions for you! were you able to reach your dream? were you able to go to japan? europe?

i'll quote some of the translated of the lyrics from the song [letter song] of some of the questions in my head right now.

" Are you happy right now? 

 Or in loneliness

Are you crying?... 

Who do you like now?

Or maybe it hasn't changed

You still like that person?..."

sorry for being sappy but it's true. i really wonder what what you are doing now and are you contented with life? people have been a great part of your life. how are you and your friends? or have you gone your separate ways?

so many questions! sorry about that. i really hope you are happy in where you are now. i love you. (^_^)

-beatriz (22)

only one

only one by boa (dance version)

i hope i would be able to learn this routine and execute it as good as her. (^_^)