[昨日より赤く明日より青] of Generations from Exile Tribe

We all experienced that, right? Turning red out of anger and frustration chasing after what we desire, yet, at the end of the day, we are still lonely, alone, and blue?

I think this is what makes the song [昨日より赤く明日より青] of Generations from Exile Tribe relatable. We have all experienced thriving, surviving, and pushing ourselves to the limit, to the point of alienating ourselves from those we love.

[昨日より赤く明日より青] is the theme song for their Cinema Fighters Project where six of the members starred in individual short movies, and the vocalists sang the theme songs for two of the shorts.

A new friendship... hopefully a strong one.

An update on my previous post. The surreal feeling is gone, but the curiosity in knowing more about Iala is still present.

My correspondence with her since the last time we met is mostly about our class. A few nights ago, we had an opportunity to have a more personal chat.

I found out that we had quite a list of things in common. I won't be putting it here in detail for privacy. Overall, we were surprised about our similarities.

For some reason, meeting a new friend for me feels refreshing. I am not sure if it's the pandemic or it's meeting Iala herself. At the moment, the connection feels genuine and comforting. Of course, friendship is still starting, but I like the feeling when I talk to her.

Hopefully, this friendship will be a strong one.

Salud!

Sunday felt different, like a dream

Events from last Sunday felt surreal for me.

We had our long-delayed face-to-face schedule for the Caregiver Course we enrolled in. It was a wet and cold morning. We had to go to the training center early because we had to be tested for COVID-19 before entering the classroom. It was our first time to personally meet our classmates. We felt awkward meeting everyone for the first time, so no one was chatting nor talking with anybody.

Inside our assigned classroom, there were only seven of us while the other students were in another room. The trainer took attendance and, I was the last one to be called. When I said my name, my seatmate immediately turned to look at me with enthusiasm. I can sense her smile under the facemask. She waved at me, and I waved back. I didn't think much about it.

We then moved to another room to start the training and demo. During our online classes from a few months back, I noticed that one of our trainers looked like a family friend. This trainer was our first teacher for the face-to-face. Since it was our first time meeting everyone, we were all quiet and tense. The trainer sensed it, and he assured as to ease up and enjoy learning. Eventually, we were already laughing the chatting with our classmates. We later had to find a partner to practice the skills that were taught to us. The seatmate I mentioned earlier and I have been side by side the whole time, so we decided to be partners. After a while, the trainer gave us tips and suggestions based on his experience. I really felt he was our family friend who was giving us the lesson, so there was a sense of trust and security - rare during the pandemic.

As I mentioned earlier, we partnered off to practice the new skills we learned. My partner's name is Iala, and she became my first friend in the group. For the duration of the face-to-face class, we were together. When the class ended, we decided to go home together via train.

As we walked towards the train station, Iala told me that she was actually looking forward to meeting me. This was a surprise for me. I asked her why. Her interest in meeting me started when I mentioned I was a Psychology graduate. She said that she was thinking of getting units in Psychology because she liked the principles and theories in the field. She continued her narrative and told me that she was praying that we would be in the same group for the face-to-face class. She admitted to looking for my name first on the list before her name, and she was ecstatic to find out we were groupmates. This explains why she looked enthusiastic when she found out that I was her seatmate. She mentioned how I sounded interesting during our online class and how nice and approachable I was in person.

This caught me off-guard in a big way. First of all, I have never met anyone who was genuinely looking forward to meeting me. I guess it was always me who was looking forward to meeting someone. Second, most of the people I know described me as intimidating when they first met me. As for Iala, she said I was "nice and approachable," this was only the first time we met. Third, I felt that she was genuinely listening to everything I was saying. This was because I was helping her with the skills training, but overall, she seems to be attentive in everything I say and do.

I do not want to be full of myself, but this is what it will sound like right now. For the past few years, I have never been treated this way. Iala did not question nor doubt anything I said. I was used to always "prioritizing" other people, like gesturing them to go ahead or letting them choose a seat before me. I even do this with my sister. But with Iala, it was different. She was the one who always gestured for me to go forward, to let me find my seat first, and to let me decide on small details - it may sound minuscule. But for some reason, I felt different around her. I seemed someone that was attended to. I know it sounds ridiculous, but honestly speaking, this was what I felt.

The train finally arrived at my station, and I had to say my farewell. Even after we departed, I still felt in a daze. As I walked home, I continued to ponder what had just happened on our way home. Our walk from the training center to the train station was about 15 to 30 minutes. But in that short time, I felt I was floating, entranced, and fleeting.

Days have passed, and yet here I am, immersed in the experience.

I would definitely like to share more about this in the future. But I would not know if there will be another chance - or will the next time be more personal that I won't share it in full detail but mention it in passing?

Only time can tell.

I am not sure if it is the pandemic. But this specific interaction felt strange and yet has a tinge of warmth.

panic attack

attending an event where you feel confident and at ease.

you have attended such an affair before,

why would this be any different?

>snap<

the sky falls.

that moment you suddenly feel scared and lost.

you unexpectedly cried in public.

the feeling is too much to bear,

that you succumb to defeat.

though the heart speaks

a painful heart becomes a strong heart,
though time is needed for the change.

the plans of the heart are offered through prayers,
though sometimes, answered prayers are not according to plan.

hurting is the heart,
though enduring and resilient.

yielding to the desire of the other heart,
though still intense in expressing ones love.

my dear heart,
how are you holding up so far?

still in love, full of passion,
overflowing in drama,

true and loyal to the very end.

feeling of haven at Miriam College

We all have that piece of haven where we feel at peace and safe, recently, for me, this haven is Miriam College. It didn't start as such though, but in the past few months, this has been my "comfort place"

For eight years, I studied in Miriam College (high school and college) and like any other student/teenager, I had my own share of drama. Despite the roller coaster of experiences while i was studying here, the high school chapel was always my sanctuary. Even after i graduated from college, i would sometimes take a day off from work just to visit the high school chapel, especially in moments of resignation and hopelessness.

I came back to my Alma mater after four years to work here as a technical assistant. Before I worked here, work-life seemed so tiring and I was always nervous about going to work because of the task I had to do. Add to that, the commute was a big hassle (Ortigas and Makati.) I was already tired by the time i arrive at my workplace. Salary wise, it felt like I was always waiting for the next paycheck. Now that I am working in Miriam College, work-life felt better. I feel more relaxed and at ease even if the work can be troublesome sometimes, at the end of the day, I am able to finish them. I don't worry about anything when I leave work as I know I can still do it the next day. I felt really at home since I started here. Of course the pay is lower than what I was receiving when I was in the corporate world, but I never felt that I was waiting for the next paycheck. Also, I already have savings, unlike when I was with the corporate world.

My God's Gift, Joy, once told me something about feeling at peace at their house (their room they are renting now) because of the altar and the prayers that seems to echo within their room. As I pondered on this, I realized, maybe, just maybe, the reason I felt at home here in Miriam College is because of the chapels (high school and college chapel), the environment (i am a nature/province girl) and the people (well educated, spiritual and very engaging conversation wise). I realized, not that I am here, I have longer prayer time and scripture reading. I am able to be more at keen to my spiritual side since I started work here. The core values being instilled in the students is the same, being an employee, maybe even stronger. I am not sure if it is just me, but being an alumnae, I feel more empowered knowing that I can also mold these students the way the school has molded and guided me with the core values.

I guess other than being a safe place, a haven can also be a place where we feel we have purpose and we know we can move and touch other lives. A haven need not simply be a place of sanctuary, but also a place of learning, growth and inspiration, not only to ones self but also to other people.

where or what is your haven my friend? :)

CLP 2013 Batch 2 Chronicles: relate to others

hostility.

my description of what has been the relationship between me and some of the people that are around me. this does not apply to all but it definitely does apply to a majority. it's quite an empty, bothering and disturbing feeling.

jealousy.

in this competitive world, yearning to get the better half cannot be avoided. it's just painful to realize that i had that feeling towards my friends and the people who are most important to me. i am not saying that i should be jealous of people who i do know know. my point is that, having that feeling is very sad and dangerous, what made it worse is to whom i am jealous of. it is disheartening and unfortunate.

pride.

i am very guilty of this even before, but since the CLP started, i have been more aware of this. i have been trying to keep it down, be humble. unfortunately, there are times that i just want to speak out and prove your point.

there are so much more that i have to tell.

and then, it struck me.

i must have been dwelling too much about it that i have forgotten the light at the end of the road.

this CLP has so many challenges.

i am just thankful that there are people who made me realize my mistakes and bring me back to the "basics" of the duty and purpose being part of the service team.

thank you for the "angels" you have sent.

"feels"

you know that moment when you just feel your heart will break, not because of sadness but because of excessive feelings?

yup, they call it the "feels."

i am a very emotional person and i obviously get easily excited, sad, dramatic, giddy, etc.

it almost everyday that i get this "feels".

despite it being common to me,

i am no exception to that feeling that is extremely unexplained.

you could say that its even "stronger" for people like me are very in-touch with our emotional side. (^_~)

so, why the post?

well... to tell you the truth, there is no special reason. (^_^)

i just had the urge to write something about it.

hmmm... maybe i'm just feeling...

how do you say this?

reminiscent of the past year? (^_^)

hehehe...

the year is about to end in a few days,

and there will be a new year ahead that is full of ups and downs.

i wonder what i will experience this coming year?

feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllsssss (^w^)

ps. hey! i have a new tag "feels" hahahaha!