I am a Catholic: Influence, Upbringing and Learning

Being a Catholic has greatly influenced my upbringing both in a positive and a negative way. 

A little background: I grew up in a strict Catholic family. We have traditions and “obligations” rooted in the Catholic faith that has been passed down from generations to generations. My sister and I studied in an all-girls Catholic school for 14 years.

It is because of my Catholic upbringing that I learned the importance (and sometimes my dependence) of (in) prayers, in triumph and thanksgiving, in defeat and desperation, in decision-making and uncertainty.

Chapels have been my sanctuary for years whenever I feel overwhelmed or when I feel something unnerving is about to happen. I cannot count how many times I have bawled my eyes out at our high school chapel. When I was already working, I would still visit our high school chapel even though it was on the opposite direction from my workplace.

I have owned a necklace with a crucifix ever since my junior year in high school, though the crucifix changes over the years because I sometimes end up giving my crucifix to people who I think “needs it’s guidance and protection.” more than me. I know how weird this sounds, but in my case, a crucifix helps me feel “more grounded” is situations that make me anxious.

Growing up, I have been taught (specially by the nuns) to pity those who are less fortunate than me. I would volunteer in outreach programs (I still do, but my demeanor is somewhat different now) and give alms to the poor.

Later on will I realize how these teachings I learned would be twisted and turned against me, specially by my own family. I was called weak, gullible, and “detached” from the cruelties of reality just because I was showing basic human decency. I am having second thoughts sharing about this part as this is still raw and fresh, maybe some other time?

To continue, the family tradition that I used to respect and follow has become a source of conflict between me, the brother of my grandfather and my uncles and aunts. It has become a “mini competition and a show of money” rather than a sincere devotion to the faith.

For most of my educational years, I followed the teachings of the Catholic Church by the book. I was so proud of that, to the point I have become arrogant and closed-minded about the issues against the church. The ones who taught me to be open-minded were my high school friends. They too had a Catholic upbringing but the way they discussed and talked about the flaws of the Catholic Church made me better understand my faith.

Unfortunately, when I went to college and after I graduated, somewhere along the line, I got lost again. 

I was sure about my faith and my belief, then someone criticized my way of praying being too short or being lazy. Suddenly I changed the manner of how I prayed, I then heard myself ask too much, that I would sound utterly selfish.

I was involved in church organizations that I thought, during that time, would help me in my spiritual journey. Boy was I wrong. My understanding of the Catholic faith was having an open-mind and an open heart in understanding people’s life, views, opinions and situations in life. When I joined these organizations, I was boxed in certain biases that went against my understanding of my faith. People around had the same so- Called bias and I, succumbing to social pressure, followed their belief, their norm, their views. In the long run, it became a source of internal conflict within me.

I was devoured by my pride believing I was in the right “stand”. I was a hypocrite.

Then I had my own family, I gave birth, and it took another four years after that to “rediscover” my faith once more.

For the past 30 years of my existence, I based my decisions, my views and my morals on how I was raised in a Catholic environment. Only to realize that the very same environment would be my downfall.

At the moment, I would say that I am still in the “initial” stage of my rediscovering my faith. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic or just the desperation, or maybe both? But I feel the lack of dedication and sincerity in my prayers - it’s unnerving and frustrating.

My learnings from all this, despite having a strong influence and upbringing based on the Catholic faith:

• I can still get lost and become a hypocrite.
• That understanding faith and belief, is a constant journey of rediscovery.
• Vigilance and critical thinking should be practiced when deciding once views and stands.

At the end of the day, basic human decency, open-mindedness, understanding, and unconditional love is the core of being a Catholic.

time for love

"Make every heartbeat count." -Nutschell Anne Windsor

Time is ticking. Take every opportunity to LOVE MORE

feeling of haven at Miriam College

We all have that piece of haven where we feel at peace and safe, recently, for me, this haven is Miriam College. It didn't start as such though, but in the past few months, this has been my "comfort place"

For eight years, I studied in Miriam College (high school and college) and like any other student/teenager, I had my own share of drama. Despite the roller coaster of experiences while i was studying here, the high school chapel was always my sanctuary. Even after i graduated from college, i would sometimes take a day off from work just to visit the high school chapel, especially in moments of resignation and hopelessness.

I came back to my Alma mater after four years to work here as a technical assistant. Before I worked here, work-life seemed so tiring and I was always nervous about going to work because of the task I had to do. Add to that, the commute was a big hassle (Ortigas and Makati.) I was already tired by the time i arrive at my workplace. Salary wise, it felt like I was always waiting for the next paycheck. Now that I am working in Miriam College, work-life felt better. I feel more relaxed and at ease even if the work can be troublesome sometimes, at the end of the day, I am able to finish them. I don't worry about anything when I leave work as I know I can still do it the next day. I felt really at home since I started here. Of course the pay is lower than what I was receiving when I was in the corporate world, but I never felt that I was waiting for the next paycheck. Also, I already have savings, unlike when I was with the corporate world.

My God's Gift, Joy, once told me something about feeling at peace at their house (their room they are renting now) because of the altar and the prayers that seems to echo within their room. As I pondered on this, I realized, maybe, just maybe, the reason I felt at home here in Miriam College is because of the chapels (high school and college chapel), the environment (i am a nature/province girl) and the people (well educated, spiritual and very engaging conversation wise). I realized, not that I am here, I have longer prayer time and scripture reading. I am able to be more at keen to my spiritual side since I started work here. The core values being instilled in the students is the same, being an employee, maybe even stronger. I am not sure if it is just me, but being an alumnae, I feel more empowered knowing that I can also mold these students the way the school has molded and guided me with the core values.

I guess other than being a safe place, a haven can also be a place where we feel we have purpose and we know we can move and touch other lives. A haven need not simply be a place of sanctuary, but also a place of learning, growth and inspiration, not only to ones self but also to other people.

where or what is your haven my friend? :)

Matthew 13:44-46

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up; then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it."

this was the core of our discussion during our household a few meetings back. We were asked what were our greatest treasures and what are we willing to give up to achieve this treasure. the common denominator for the greatest treasure between our household is family. we would do almost everything in our power just to help and care for our families.

our guest during the household was ate jean. her greatest treasure would be her relationship with her family. she admitted that she felt her prayers were answered recently regarding her family. though she has gone through a death in her family, she was able to see the goodness behind the darkness as her family is now more bonded and she has now a sense of belonging within her family. she shared that for her, she needed not to give up anything to attain the treasure she has. it was all because of prayer, patience and following the path of Christ.

our household head, ate alma, has been helping in sending her sibling and other family members in their education. though there is not much left for her, she feels joys in seeing their success and achievements. she feels accomplished in being able to help her brothers and sisters through the education of her niece/ nephew. she shared that she is willing to give up her personal desires just to fulfill the dreams of her family.

for ate taf, she shared that family is always a treasure she would also cherish. another treasure would be her relationship with her God's Gift, Kuya Reuben. she shared some experiences that made her let go of her selfishness and pride in order to preserve and protect her relationship with her love. the result of her giving up her selfishness and pride? a stronger and more meaning realationship with kuya Reuben.

as for me, the greatest treasure would be, being able to build my own "christian family." i have had my own turmoils with my family and i guess i am able to "hold on" because of my own prayers and the prayers of those around me. i know that at my age, i may still be too young to even think about marriage, though i would admit that it is not far from impossible considering i am in a relation with Joy Isolana, my "God's Gift."

when i was discerning on whether or not i would be in a relationship, sis mimi told me to decide, "if i wanted to be with the person for the rest of my life (someone i would marry) or merely someone who i want to have a relationship with." this in mind, i decided that this person is someone i will be marrying in the future. this is where my "treasure" stems from, my relationship with my GG and out future together as a family.

no family is perfect, but no future parent would like to make the mistakes that they may have experienced with their own parents, their own family. i shared that at some point in my life, i would have to sacrifice and let go my own family to build up my own christian family. i know that it may all be just words for now, but as i move forward to the future, it is definitely a reality. i would have to face the separation, the change in priorities and being more responsible for my own (future) family.

am i ready for SERVICE?

Palmer: ... "Maybe I am not ready."

Gibbs: "You wouldn't feel the way you feel right now if you weren't ready."

NCIS (about Palmer being a father)

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Totally in a different context as to how the episode plot goes, but the message and the intention is there. Sometimes, we refuse to accept that we are ready for the responsibilities and task that will be assigned to us because:

• we are afraid of failure, or
• we have already failed in our initial attempt, or
• we are afraid of failure the second time around.

Even though we know within ourselves that we can do it, we discourage ourselves as a way to lessen expectations and to protect ourselves from pain - in short, we lose faith in ourselves.

Like in service, we know that we are doing the service for God, though there are times that we are discouraged from continuing because we feel that we are not well appreciated for our efforts. This should not be the case!

Recently I was told by Kuya Yury and ate Weng, "always remember who you are serving. Our God, not the people who dictate what you have to do." How ever difficult the strife that is thrown to us His servants, always pray and never lose faith, not only in God but in yourself. We are made in the image and likeness of God, so losing faith in ourselves is like losing faith in God's most precious creations, US.

My household heads (Ate Jen and Ate Alma) always told me, the more you seek the way to Jesus, the more you feel pain in service. Why? because the devil will try to hinder you from following Jesus, it creates circumstances and attacks the most important and sensitive aspects of our lives. This is to push us to our limits for us to give up. Temptations and sacrifices are inevitable when in service. Even now that I am part of the SFC community, I do not hide that fact that there are temptations that are difficult to push away. This brings doubt to myself, my abilities and it gives off that degrading feeling that just makes me lost.

In our lost state, we then start to question God.

Is there something wrong when we question God? My answer to this question was always. No. There is nothing wrong in questioning God. As I quote Pope Francis in one of his dialogues with the Filipino community in Rome,

” In these times of suffering, never tire of asking why, because you will attract the tenderness of the Father and his attention, just as children do when they ask “why”.” - Pope Francis

It comes down to how and what you question God. Of course it's a different level when you question HIS existence though that does not mean atheism or agnosticism. We may just be lost. Being lost is not something we should be ashamed of. In fact, admitting that we are lost makes us stronger because we know when we have done wrong and we begin to have that consciousness to go back to our faith and restore our relationship with God.

This also becomes a preparation for us for a bigger service. It is not a secret that there are times in our lives that we are tested and molded in preparation for a bigger responsibility as a servant of God. We grow and learn as we succeed each trial that are thrown to us. It is this experience that makes us human, these experiences are what we share to those whom we would like to reach out to.

The action of reaching out, breaking away from your comfort zone, learning to share, accepting pain and understanding the people of God are manifestations that we are preparing for the mission of spreading God's love. Because these are the very actions of Jesus. Yes, he is the Son of God, he is a leader, he knows more and better about faith, and yet, he was humble and he did not discriminate the people of God. He even loved them more, despite the sufferings that they have caused him.

Like Jesus, we must be leaders of his people. Our task as leaders is to plant a seed and uphold the faith of each and every single person whom lives we have touched. We are leaders even without the title, as I have heard from one of our teaching nights.

Unfortunately, there are times wherein the lack in "title" is what hinders us from moving forward. Why? Because we are humans, because we have weaknesses. Despite being humble, we do not keep the fact that we too have our aspirations, at some point in our lives we would like to be acknowledged. I myself admit that I would like to be acknowledge for my service. It is, in a way, human nature.

The yearning for acknowledgement was a heavy desire before I realized that I was already "empty". How does that relate? In general, when we are "empty" and lost, we look for a way to compensate for that lose. In my case, I did not realize that I was already empty because of "giving out love" to the point that I wanted to have that feeling that "I am loved" just to compensate for the lost feeling.

Doesn't that make me selfish and insecure? Yes it does. My own "yearning" slowly devoured me to the point of depression.

Why do you have that feeling even if you are already part of the community? The expectation is that you already have an ironclad faith, right?

As I have said earlier, human nature. Just because we are part of the community, this does not mean that we are excused from negative or destructive feelings. Part of being human are having emotions.

The expectation is an "irrational norm" that divides people and sometimes it even repels people away from each other. This is sad because the purpose of the community is to build up faith, not to segregate those sinners from believers. We should keep i mind that we are called in this community to be of service also to others not because we are "better" than them, but because we have succeeded in finding God. So as to pay it forward, we are the ones who now call other souls to help them find the way to God. We are not better than them, we are all the same. The difference is, we have gone through the pain and now that we have succeeded over it, we share to those who are currently going through the same pain how we can help them in surpassing the pain with the help of the community.

Going back to my desire in being acknowledged. I have been having that feeling for a few weeks now, but it was only last week when I heard from Kuya Jack, a partial answer to my desire. The jist of what he said, "Fight for what you believe in. Fight for being a leader. You have to own that feeling and claim it." Of course, this does not mean surpassing the present leaders of the community. What he was trying to say is, if you have that feeling, own it. Do not discourage yourself for the "seed of service" in you is growing and it can no longer be contained. A tree of dedication and faith is being created in us and it can no longer be contained in the services you have now. You are already longing to have a greater service that will benefit greater hearts of people.

Of course, I have yet to experience this. Maybe in this upcoming CLP, this will be my chance to prove to myself how much I have grown and how big of a service I am already longing.

Hope I can share with you in the future my journey to greater service.

Thank you for reading my entry.

Till next time. God bless you all.

Message from God

"you belong."

"You are part of a community: people of faith. Worship with others, share with others, experience God with others. You are not in this alone; you have an entire family of believers out there. Today is a good day to seek some of them out."

Message from God

"your unspoken prayers will be answered."

"Yes, God knows you, God hears you, God loves you, God is there for you. You are blessed."

Pope Francis

The Catholic faith has always had doctrines that were too strict that it created rifts between the people.

Recently, the Pope has been in the limelight because of his past and his views.

As a catholic myself, I would say that I like how the Pope has addressed a lot of issues that are surrounding the faith.

I guess, I support him because most of the things he has presented, are also my views at a certain extent.

Please see the article below.

Even the Pope Is Cool With Public Breastfeeding

back to basics

it's been some time before i actually thought about going "back to basics"

it's only now that i realized that it also meant going back to my true passion.

yes, i love to dance but doing it with focus and gusto is a whole new experience.

in addition to this,

i think i should make posting here more regular as it seems to make me feel at ease.

it seems to help me realize a lot of things.

hopefully, from this day onwards, things will fall in their right place.
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special mention: thank you to my dear, my God's gift, my boyfriend, Joy Isolana; for reminding me to go back to basics. (^_^)

untitled entry

Lord, heal our land.

there have been a number of calamities happening recently, local and international.

we pray for healing, for our land, our country, our world,

prayers for those affected and in pain, for those in doubt, for those struggling,

for those who have hesitations to help, for those burdened to reach out,

for the people

and most of all,

for ourselves.

Amen.