Gibbs: "You wouldn't feel the way you feel right now if you weren't ready."
NCIS (about Palmer being a father)
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Totally in a different context as to how the episode plot goes, but the message and the intention is there. Sometimes, we refuse to accept that we are ready for the responsibilities and task that will be assigned to us because:
- we are afraid of failure, or
- we have already failed in our initial attempt, or
- we are afraid of failure the second time around.
Like in service, we know that we are doing the service for God, though there are times that we are discouraged from continuing because we feel that we are not well appreciated for our efforts. This should not be the case!
Recently I was told by Kuya Yury and ate Weng, "always remember who you are serving. Our God, not the people who dictate what you have to do." How ever difficult the strife that is thrown to us His servants, always pray and never lose faith, not only in God but in yourself. We are made in the image and likeness of God, so losing faith in ourselves is like losing faith in God's most precious creations, US.
My household heads (Ate Jen and Ate Alma) always told me, the more you seek the way to Jesus, the more you feel pain in service. Why? because the devil will try to hinder you from following Jesus, it creates circumstances and attacks the most important and sensitive aspects of our lives. This is to push us to our limits for us to give up. Temptations and sacrifices are inevitable when in service. Even now that I am part of the SFC community, I do not hide that fact that there are temptations that are difficult to push away. This brings doubt to myself, my abilities and it gives off that degrading feeling that just makes me lost.
In our lost state, we then start to question God.
Is there something wrong when we question God? My answer to this question was always. No. There is nothing wrong in questioning God. As I quote Pope Francis in one of his dialogues with the Filipino community in Rome,
” In these times of suffering, never tire of asking why, because you will attract the tenderness of the Father and his attention, just as children do when they ask “why”.” - Pope Francis
It comes down to how and what you question God. Of course it's a different level when you question HIS existence though that does not mean atheism or agnosticism. We may just be lost. Being lost is not something we should be ashamed of. In fact, admitting that we are lost makes us stronger because we know when we have done wrong and we begin to have that consciousness to go back to our faith and restore our relationship with God.
This also becomes a preparation for us for a bigger service. It is not a secret that there are times in our lives that we are tested and molded in preparation for a bigger responsibility as a servant of God. We grow and learn as we succeed each trial that are thrown to us. It is this experience that makes us human, these experiences are what we share to those whom we would like to reach out to.
The action of reaching out, breaking away from your comfort zone, learning to share, accepting pain and understanding the people of God are manifestations that we are preparing for the mission of spreading God's love. Because these are the very actions of Jesus. Yes, he is the Son of God, he is a leader, he knows more and better about faith, and yet, he was humble and he did not discriminate the people of God. He even loved them more, despite the sufferings that they have caused him.
Like Jesus, we must be leaders of his people. Our task as leaders is to plant a seed and uphold the faith of each and every single person whom lives we have touched. We are leaders even without the title, as I have heard from one of our teaching nights.
Unfortunately, there are times wherein the lack in "title" is what hinders us from moving forward. Why? Because we are humans, because we have weaknesses. Despite being humble, we do not keep the fact that we too have our aspirations, at some point in our lives we would like to be acknowledged. I myself admit that I would like to be acknowledge for my service. It is, in a way, human nature.
The yearning for acknowledgement was a heavy desire before I realized that I was already "empty". How does that relate? In general, when we are "empty" and lost, we look for a way to compensate for that lose. In my case, I did not realize that I was already empty because of "giving out love" to the point that I wanted to have that feeling that "I am loved" just to compensate for the lost feeling.
Doesn't that make me selfish and insecure? Yes it does. My own "yearning" slowly devoured me to the point of depression.
Why do you have that feeling even if you are already part of the community? The expectation is that you already have an ironclad faith, right?
As I have said earlier, human nature. Just because we are part of the community, this does not mean that we are excused from negative or destructive feelings. Part of being human are having emotions.
The expectation is an "irrational norm" that divides people and sometimes it even repels people away from each other. This is sad because the purpose of the community is to build up faith, not to segregate those sinners from believers. We should keep i mind that we are called in this community to be of service also to others not because we are "better" than them, but because we have succeeded in finding God. So as to pay it forward, we are the ones who now call other souls to help them find the way to God. We are not better than them, we are all the same. The difference is, we have gone through the pain and now that we have succeeded over it, we share to those who are currently going through the same pain how we can help them in surpassing the pain with the help of the community.
Going back to my desire in being acknowledged. I have been having that feeling for a few weeks now, but it was only last week when I heard from Kuya Jack, a partial answer to my desire. The jist of what he said, "Fight for what you believe in. Fight for being a leader. You have to own that feeling and claim it." Of course, this does not mean surpassing the present leaders of the community. What he was trying to say is, if you have that feeling, own it. Do not discourage yourself for the "seed of service" in you is growing and it can no longer be contained. A tree of dedication and faith is being created in us and it can no longer be contained in the services you have now. You are already longing to have a greater service that will benefit greater hearts of people.
Of course, I have yet to experience this. Maybe in this upcoming CLP, this will be my chance to prove to myself how much I have grown and how big of a service I am already longing.
Hope I can share with you in the future my journey to greater service.
Thank you for reading my entry.
Till next time. God bless you all.
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