I am a Catholic: Influence, Upbringing and Learning

Being a Catholic has greatly influenced my upbringing both in a positive and a negative way. 

A little background: I grew up in a strict Catholic family. We have traditions and “obligations” rooted in the Catholic faith that has been passed down from generations to generations. My sister and I studied in an all-girls Catholic school for 14 years.

It is because of my Catholic upbringing that I learned the importance (and sometimes my dependence) of (in) prayers, in triumph and thanksgiving, in defeat and desperation, in decision-making and uncertainty.

Chapels have been my sanctuary for years whenever I feel overwhelmed or when I feel something unnerving is about to happen. I cannot count how many times I have bawled my eyes out at our high school chapel. When I was already working, I would still visit our high school chapel even though it was on the opposite direction from my workplace.

I have owned a necklace with a crucifix ever since my junior year in high school, though the crucifix changes over the years because I sometimes end up giving my crucifix to people who I think “needs it’s guidance and protection.” more than me. I know how weird this sounds, but in my case, a crucifix helps me feel “more grounded” is situations that make me anxious.

Growing up, I have been taught (specially by the nuns) to pity those who are less fortunate than me. I would volunteer in outreach programs (I still do, but my demeanor is somewhat different now) and give alms to the poor.

Later on will I realize how these teachings I learned would be twisted and turned against me, specially by my own family. I was called weak, gullible, and “detached” from the cruelties of reality just because I was showing basic human decency. I am having second thoughts sharing about this part as this is still raw and fresh, maybe some other time?

To continue, the family tradition that I used to respect and follow has become a source of conflict between me, the brother of my grandfather and my uncles and aunts. It has become a “mini competition and a show of money” rather than a sincere devotion to the faith.

For most of my educational years, I followed the teachings of the Catholic Church by the book. I was so proud of that, to the point I have become arrogant and closed-minded about the issues against the church. The ones who taught me to be open-minded were my high school friends. They too had a Catholic upbringing but the way they discussed and talked about the flaws of the Catholic Church made me better understand my faith.

Unfortunately, when I went to college and after I graduated, somewhere along the line, I got lost again. 

I was sure about my faith and my belief, then someone criticized my way of praying being too short or being lazy. Suddenly I changed the manner of how I prayed, I then heard myself ask too much, that I would sound utterly selfish.

I was involved in church organizations that I thought, during that time, would help me in my spiritual journey. Boy was I wrong. My understanding of the Catholic faith was having an open-mind and an open heart in understanding people’s life, views, opinions and situations in life. When I joined these organizations, I was boxed in certain biases that went against my understanding of my faith. People around had the same so- Called bias and I, succumbing to social pressure, followed their belief, their norm, their views. In the long run, it became a source of internal conflict within me.

I was devoured by my pride believing I was in the right “stand”. I was a hypocrite.

Then I had my own family, I gave birth, and it took another four years after that to “rediscover” my faith once more.

For the past 30 years of my existence, I based my decisions, my views and my morals on how I was raised in a Catholic environment. Only to realize that the very same environment would be my downfall.

At the moment, I would say that I am still in the “initial” stage of my rediscovering my faith. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic or just the desperation, or maybe both? But I feel the lack of dedication and sincerity in my prayers - it’s unnerving and frustrating.

My learnings from all this, despite having a strong influence and upbringing based on the Catholic faith:

• I can still get lost and become a hypocrite.
• That understanding faith and belief, is a constant journey of rediscovery.
• Vigilance and critical thinking should be practiced when deciding once views and stands.

At the end of the day, basic human decency, open-mindedness, understanding, and unconditional love is the core of being a Catholic.

defeat and acceptance

A bible passage well known to everyone who pray in times of hardship is Matthew 11: 28-30

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"

A few weeks ago, i found myself crying, seemingly lost and downhearted. As i was skimming through my bible, I came upon this passage:

"Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?

I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes."

Psalm 6: 1-3, 6-7

I could not hold back my tears. Upon reading this passage, I felt that God was not giving me the consolation I was asking from Him. Instead, He was teaching me to accept that I am wrong, that I am weak, that I am human and I am defeated.

Some people may think that it's negative thinking, that God would never want us to feel burdened or in pain. It is true that God would never plan for us to be harmed, and I respect those who tell me that I am pessimistic. I would like to use this medium to explain myself.

The burdens in our lives depends on how we view them. If we carry these burdens with love, the burdens becomes light. But I believe that it takes learning, experience, understanding and process to fully understand the concept of "loving ones burden."

I have to admit that I have not garnered enough experience to full understand on how to love my burdens. There are some burdens that I can bear, but there are those that just crush me to the ground. I believe in the five stages of loss and grief. These stages are usually connected to a loss of a person, but there are times that I follow these stages when I lose belief in myself and other people.

Here are a link for a detailed explanation for the five stages of grief and loss.

In conclusion, I would like to share to you that there is nothing wrong in giving up, as long as you learn from the experience and learn to accept them. There is nothing wrong if you question God why these events are happening to you, he just wants you stop, take away the negativity, fill it with new hope and go through life again. Sometimes, during your "berating moment" with God, you will have an epitome on what you should do to make things better. And lastly, there is nothing wrong in accepting defeat, acceptance of defeat means, you are humble, and there is more love than pride in what you are doing with your life.