Jingle Bells in Minor Key

This is how Christmas 2020 feels to me right now.

Dark, dreary, reverberating, and cold.

defeat and acceptance

A bible passage well known to everyone who pray in times of hardship is Matthew 11: 28-30

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light"

A few weeks ago, i found myself crying, seemingly lost and downhearted. As i was skimming through my bible, I came upon this passage:

"Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?

I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes."

Psalm 6: 1-3, 6-7

I could not hold back my tears. Upon reading this passage, I felt that God was not giving me the consolation I was asking from Him. Instead, He was teaching me to accept that I am wrong, that I am weak, that I am human and I am defeated.

Some people may think that it's negative thinking, that God would never want us to feel burdened or in pain. It is true that God would never plan for us to be harmed, and I respect those who tell me that I am pessimistic. I would like to use this medium to explain myself.

The burdens in our lives depends on how we view them. If we carry these burdens with love, the burdens becomes light. But I believe that it takes learning, experience, understanding and process to fully understand the concept of "loving ones burden."

I have to admit that I have not garnered enough experience to full understand on how to love my burdens. There are some burdens that I can bear, but there are those that just crush me to the ground. I believe in the five stages of loss and grief. These stages are usually connected to a loss of a person, but there are times that I follow these stages when I lose belief in myself and other people.

Here are a link for a detailed explanation for the five stages of grief and loss.

In conclusion, I would like to share to you that there is nothing wrong in giving up, as long as you learn from the experience and learn to accept them. There is nothing wrong if you question God why these events are happening to you, he just wants you stop, take away the negativity, fill it with new hope and go through life again. Sometimes, during your "berating moment" with God, you will have an epitome on what you should do to make things better. And lastly, there is nothing wrong in accepting defeat, acceptance of defeat means, you are humble, and there is more love than pride in what you are doing with your life.

yume - dream

i few nights ago, i had a dream. rarely do i remember my dreams. but this one, i definitely remembered because of the people in the dream and the circumstances of the events in the dream.

i was in a classroom with eiji-senpai. the class was obviously about medicine. i failed in that subject and i felt so bad about it that i just quietly walked out of the room. i wandered in different corridors. the corridors were not familiar to me but they were not dark or anything. just a typical corridor or hallways of a school. i felt lonely and lost in thought while walking. i then entered a fire exit door. i saw a narrow stairway. it was neither dark nor light,  normal lighting. i don't remember seeing that staircase before but the feeling felt warm, comfortable and familiar. i saw 2-3 people coming up the stairs and passing by me. they seem to be in a procession of some sort and someone was carrying a statue of mother mary. i then saw my first year high school christian life teacher, Sir Rod Pino. i followed him ( he was also in the procession) and we followed the procession of the statue. we went up the stairs. we paused in one side of the stairway (like a mezzanine), we knelt and we prayed. after a while, we stood up and continued the procession up the stairs. only a short time passed, when i saw myself  kneeling again and praying (another mezzanine?). this time i heard the prayers of those with me but i could not distinguish what they were saying until i heard a familiar female voice behind me. she was praying for me, she was crying... for me. she hugged me from behind. i then felt that i was crying but i felt very comfortable wrapped under her warm arms. she was asking me to come back, be myself once more, forget my worries and be happy again. it was from my second year high school english teacher, Ms. Nutschell Anne Windsor.

other than being my english teacher, she was also one of the founders of the Campus Ministry Auxiliary, my main spiritual support when i was in high school. i had great respect for her in different aspects.

as i felt her embrace gently fading away, i felt more sure of myself. there was a change in the environment. i was was walking towards the classroom i mentioned at the start of the dream. i felt lighter and everything around me seemed more fresh and relaxing. i saw my professor in medicine walking towards me. she was saying something about my failure but i did not seem sad about it. i even smiled at her and said something good. she seems to be taken aback and she merely walked away.

that's all i could remember of my dream. it was like a moment of enlightenment for me. i realized how different i was years back. i've remembered how important the people in high school were for me. how they have changed my life, in a good and bad way, but most definitely in a good way. (^_^)

my true self

good morning everyone~

i now present a new song that i have been listening to since last night.

it's a depressing song.

well, i guess it merely reflects the events and the feelings that were involved last night.

this experience is not mine alone.

my sister rei might relate more with the song.

my true self by kagamine len

drama

change. it is one of the things constant in our world. its just that, sometimes, it's too fast.

sad

• /sigh. that was just sad.
• be careful with the words you use and the words you hear.
• do not break bridges - or at least, do not give them false hope.
• know about the background, the reason and the definitions before you assume.
• generalizing, bias and assumptions. i think they break connections and build barriers.
• misunderstandings happen. it's a matter of clarifying them.
• communicate, do not assume.
• tell what has been done wrong before having ill feelings against the other.
• know what each side has to say.
• please understand before to make a stand.
• be intrigued rather than frustrated. curiosity than suspicion.
• never judge a person just by what you saw or what you heard. listen to them and understand.
• not everything you see or hear is true unless you hear it from the source itself.

drama

too much drama today and it started pretty early in the morning. (>_<)

as a quote from my twitter account,

"tears. they are a great relief. :)"

so that sums up what practically happened today.

ja~ (^_~)

untitled

dear grades.

i am speechless.

-bea

food treat with/by friends

food shared with friends is the best.

the other day, me and my med school friends ate at this chinese restaurant.

we shared the food but i ordered fresh lumpia for myself and it really tasted good!

yesterday, mikey gave us instant miso soup and it really tasted good.

mid afternoon, david gave me reese shape like a christmas tree the reason partly because i was depressed.

for all these, i am very thankful for i have friends.

not only because they gave me food,

but because these two days,

has been very depressing for me, personally and academically.

once again my friends,

thank you very much.

moment

we ate christmas dinner together.

a week later i got his blood pressure, 200mmHg.

three days he was in a coma.

last night, we were informed he only had hours to live.

enrique was silent for a few minutes, praying for him.

at 3:30 in the morning,
in a second,
the doctor said,

"he is gone."

----------

we prayed for the best, so he may part in peace.

he will be welcomed by our Creator with open arms.

"from joy all beings have come

and unto joy they all return"

- Upanishads -

in loving memory of our uncle Benefredo Mangubat (Dec 31, 1936 - Jan 5, 2012)

hostile

this week had been a roller coaster of emotions for me.

i'm happy doing something then one moment i'm pissed and about to scold someone.

so reserved, then in a snap, agitated and aggressive.

just before lunch today, a friend described me as hostile.

as defined in dictionary.com,

-unfriendly, antagonistic

oh wow...

i hope it's just hormones telling me that i'm about to have the "monthly visit"

/sigh (-_-)

realization

i realized something sad, painful and at some point true.

to the point that i asked myself,

"now that it's done, what now?"

i could not answer it and it just felt wrong.

today

this day was the extremes.

i was extremely happy after watching the live action of Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge.

it's been a long time since i last did such a marathon on a jdrama.

the fan inside of me was definitely awakened. (^_^)
unfortunately, the afternoon was not pleasing.

to summarize the afternoon,

i would say,

disappointing, frustrating and depressing.

that's today.

rei and i cry

rei and i are still awake.

it's almost one in the morning.

our eyes are kind off puffy because we watched sad and touching videos that really really made us cry.

silence of love

this is only a 3 minute commercial for an insurance company but it definitely pierced through my heart and made me cry. not only once but everytime i watch it.

remember to care for those who care for you.

return

i went back to school today after a few days of sickness.

unfortunately, i had to face the make up test immediately.

and it did not go well.

i just hope i could catch up.

----------

special mention, cel estrada, thank you. ♥

me

internal struggle.

drama

recently, there was one incident that made me really sad.

i was too affected, i was lifeless when i went to school.

being the emotional person that i am,

it took some time before i could recover.

how i recovered?

shed the tears,

visit the chapel,

sing church songs,

a hug (thank you Bethania Carrasco),

a long rainy walk from school to house

and to tire myself making bread.

i feel much better now.

i can smile once again. (~_~)

invidia

i am human.

it is inevitable.

but it depends on me, how i act on it.

Because I'm a Girl - KISS

my father made me cry telling me to watch this video! (TwT)

"this video show beauty and compassion. when you become a doctor, be compassionate to others." -papa



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