After a struggle, a person is NEVER the same

I hope everyone understands, every time a person succeeds from a struggle, they are NEVER the same. The eyes are different, smiles change, and there will forever be an invisible scar inside them. Do you know what's more painful? Sometimes they yearn for their "old self."

I know because that is who I am right now.

The struggle is never-ending, and the yearning is depressing.

Every single day is a chance to see the light. But there is no guarantee that at the end of the day, everything will be better. There are good and difficult ones, and sometimes settling with calm days is enough to say that we are alive.

Once a person has gone through a struggle, some become stronger, while some suddenly second guess themselves.

I fall on the latter. I never truly got over my traumas, but I always try to survive and overcome my doubts. It is tiring, but when we feel at ease at the end of the day, the feeling itself is rewarding. Accepting peace with the inner self is a long process. Though I decided to start my journey to inner peace last year through this blog, I would have to say that progress is not good. I keep stumbling and going back to the starting point. It is full of frustrations and tears, yet here I am, alive and breathing, taking things one step at a time.

To people who might be going through the same experience as me, I won't tell you to fight for life. Instead, I would like you to know that you are not alone. Only time will tell when we will be ready to face the world. But right now, we must face our shadows.

Someday, I hope we can accept that we can never be the same as our old selves, but we can be better and happier in the future.

Civilized

I had a conversation with my sister Rei a few months ago about the notion of being civilized.

Unpopular opinion: "The notion of being civilized is subjective."

A little history, the Philippines was under the Spanish rule for 333 years. Most if not all notions about being "civilized" was highly influenced by the Spanish priests and officials who stayed here in the Philippines. The old rich families in the Philippines can trace their roots up until the Spanish occupation.

During the Spanish regime, the Filipinos who supported and mingled with the Spaniards considered themselves more civilized and looked down at their fellow Filipinos. At present, those who have achieved better education, those in high positions and those who had the opportunity to live outside the country consider themselves more civilized than their fellow countrymen. 

Personally, I think you were blessed to have the opportunities mentioned above, but that does not mean your are immediately more civilized.

Civilized is defined in Google as "at an advanced stage of social and cultural development" or being "polite and well-mannered."

Being socially aware that culture is different in every country/continent, and consciously adapting to it, and respecting the difference in every culture, I believe is what a civilized person is.

Comparing and belittling different cultures just because they are different from one's own culture is petty, disrespectful and uncivilized.

Even different tribes here in the Philippines have rules that they follow and respect but sometimes they are the ones called uncivilized and barbaric just because their culture is different from the westernized culture.

There are those who might disagree with us and we respect that. We are not forcing our views on other people. We simply want to share.

We are open to what others might think about civilized, what we don't like are people forcing their views on us and arrogantly announce to the world that they are more civilized. (#-_-)

Surviving and helping, not competition

Recently I started a pizza business, but I will delve into that in a different post. What I want to share right now was a short conversation that I had with a customer.

Like with all my customers, I ask for a feedback about their order. Customer mentions that I liked my pizza, then he gave a suggestion.

Little background about my pizza, it takes approximately 20 to 30 minutes to make our pizza since we make it from scratch and we bake it in a wood-fired oven.

The customer’s suggestion was that I have frozen pizza (so we can just pop it in the oven, less wait time) since there is a market for that.

I told him: “There are those who are already selling frozen pizza in our barangay and that is their market. Our market is really freshly made pizza... Though, thank you for your suggestion... Might I suggest you also try the pizza of our fellow ka-barangays?”

Was I being a goody-two shoes by suggesting that he try other pizzas? No I was not. 

I did not want to join the already abundant frozen pizza business in our area. Yes, they are cheaper compared to my produce and they obviously have more customers. But thinking they are competition in the midst of this pandemic will simply add more stress and burden to me. I have a lot on my plate right now, so why add more stress right? For me, if I am able to sell a pizza, Thank you. If not, that’s fine. When they tell me “your pizza is expensive” I give them suggestions where to buy cheaper pizza, and they get surprised. Why? Because “who in their right mind would suggest their competition’s food?” They are not my competition, they are my neighbors, who like everyone else in our country right now, is highly affected by the pandemic.

We need to survive. Competition is not my priority right now, it’s surviving. Helping each other is my mindset. I have mentioned before that I am one of the lucky ones who is able live “comfortably” despite the situation of our country, but I know that my resources will eventually be scarce. I too am struggling financially but I still keep in mind that if I have the opportunity to help, go for it, specially when helping is  free and is as easy as sharing, and posting about their product on your page.

Why are people more surprised when other people actually help in their business? 🤔🤔🤔

First half of 2020

“What is the most useless material that was bought in 2019?

...

A 2020 Planner”

This... is partly true.

The ash fall from the eruption of Taal volcano at the first month of the year, shutdown establishments, highways and airports. Limiting most of our movements due to the air being unsafe.

We thought this was just a little bump at the start of the year. Everything seemed to have been back to normal after a few weeks - or so we thought.

Come March, everyone was forced to a lockdown/ community quarantine due to the pandemic. Half of the year has passed and some areas are still in community quarantine, though some business have been reopened, most areas still feel like ghost towns as there are only limited number of people allowed in establishments.

Wheeeeeww!!!! That was depressing.

To make things a little lighter, I would like to share what I am grateful for despite the first half of the year being unpleasant.

At the first two months of the year, my daughter was able to visit to at least one province from Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao.

Let me elaborate on that. We moved from Abra to Manila last October 2019. So our home base is now Manila.

So for the first day of January, my daughter and I were in the Province of Abra in Luzon.

A few weeks later, late January, we went to the Province of Zamboanga del Norte in Mindanao, with my husband who was on vacation. This is my husband’s province. We were there for about a week.

Mid- February, we went to the Province of Cebu in Visayas, to accompany my aunt who was visiting from Australia.

Despite the months after the being shitty, I look back and still feel grateful that my daughter and I were able to travel. Though, truthfully the only reason we were able to travel is because we had family matters to attend to.

What I am trying to say is, at least my daughter was able to see different places before she was home-locked due to the pandemic. 

It is within this first half of the year that I started to return to blogging and tried to revisit some of my forgotten hobbies. This is a work in progress.

That is all for now I guess.

I wonder what the other half of the year will be.

Till next time.

—- 

PS. There are other things that happened within the first half of the year, but these are family matter that I cannot share in my blog.

PSS. To those saying “ang yabang naman” or “check your privileges girl”...

I want to make it clear that the travel to different provinces were opportunities that I decided to take for my daughter to be able to see places. We don’t usually travel, it just happened that we had to go to these places and it happened that we had/ we were offered the resources for it.

I acknowledge the fact that we are one of the “lucky ones” who, despite the pandemic is still able to live comfortably. Though that does not mean that we don’t go out of our way to help in our small ways - we simply don’t post in public the kind of help we provide.

Balbon

Last week, my niece asked me and my sister why we have hair on our underarms. She said some grown ups don’t. We had to explain to her that having body hair is normal.

I have to admit though, when I was younger, I had my own share of insecurities because of body hair. I am balbon*, so I used to watch TV shopping channels and dream that someday I will buy those hair removal products.

photo by akarri.a please follow her on instagram.

As time passed, I learned how to love my body hair. I would still shave my underarm hair once in a while, not for aesthetic purposes but for hygienic purposes (I sweat too much).

A “friend” once told me to shave because it’s not very feminine to have hairy arms and legs, I told him off and now we not friends anymore. Some may say, that I am so shallow for ending a friendship like that. We have only known each other for less than six months, so truthfully it was not really a “lost friendship” - also, I don’t think I need that kind of toxic friendship really. Never have I ever shaved my extremities, maybe I will for emergency purposes (operation) but not for aesthetic purposes.

Just to make it clear, I have nothing against people who shave their extremities. That’s what they want and they feel happy with that, what I don’t like is making people like me who don’t shave seem inferior as compared to those who shave.

I have friends who I have known for years and nobody cares what anybody looked like. As long as we were comfortable with our self and our own skin. Nobody ever commented about anybody's preferences or looks. Once in a while someone would ask what product would be nice for skin care, but that’s it. Nobody would force anybody to be whiter, or skinnier or “hairless”.

Hearing my niece comment about body/underarm hair was a bit of an eye-opener for me. Start educating them at a young age that there is no concrete not specific beauty standards because everyone is beautiful in their own skin, in their own way.

I want our cubs to grow up knowing that normal body features, like body hair, is not to be something to be embarrassed about.

I am balbon, it's normal and it’s beautiful.

*balbon is a colloquial term for being hairy.

New normal

The current pandemic has definitely changed the new normal.

The face masks, sudden increase in demand for health care and sanitary products, and physical distancing are now the new norm.

Some business have adapted to the change to continue their service. Since most food establishments don’t allow you to eat at the restaurant itself, they have opted for take out or delivery services.

In the wet market, though the volume of people increased and more stalls have opened, rules are still observed. Volunteers go around with megaphones reminding people of physical distancing. The market has only two entrances and two exits (both with disinfecting stalls). The tricycles are only allowed one passenger per vehicle.

In the malls and grocery stores, they check your temperature and spray you with alcohol as you enter the premises. Also physical distancing is greatly encouraged by the management, that they even put stickers and paint on the floor just to show how far from each other people should be special when in queu. There is also a limit to how many peole can go in and out the premises, they limited the number of entrances/ exits to monitor the flow of people.

Since my social skills are low, the physical distancing is not an issue for me. But I do miss going out with my daughter. I admit that me and my family are lucky for we are comfortable despite the pandemic and we also acknowledge that not everyone is in a comfortable situation like we have right now. We have our small ways of helping others but we choose not to show it in our social media accounts.

Unfortunately, part of the new normal is the increase in unemployment and increase in people who beg for food in the streets. In addition to this, people have become more anxious and desperate, because of different reasons - loss of employment and means to provide for the family, being stranded in a different area/province, being far away from your love ones, strict rules that limits once movements and other reasons.

The most unfortunate of all these are the instances where people die, not only because of the virus, but because on the inability of some hospitals to accept patients who have other emergency concerns. It seems that death has also been a part of the new normal. I understand that statistically there are people who die everyday, but it is only now that I am fully aware of the number of people who are dying everyday because of the news. It doesn’t help that the stories behind their death are most of the times tragic.

At the moment, the new normal is a burden, for most of the Filipinos. These are dark and hard times. Prayers can do so much but there will be times that people may feel this is not enough and they need food to fill their stomach. We hope we can pull through from this, but right now we are in difficult times.

We hope to see a light at the end of the road, it may take long, but I hope there is still light for the future..

Baby face

Due to the pandemic I only go out once a week, or if possible once in every two weeks. So I went out to buy groceries, it has been two weeks since I went out. When I entered the premises, the security guard stopped me and the conversation went like this:

Guard: Ma’am, Ilan taon ka na? (Ma’am, how old are you?)

Me: 30 years old po.*

Guard: Ah ok po, baby face po kasi kayo. (Ah ok, you look young for your age/ baby face.)

He was a little relieved when he said this.

You see, due to the pandemic, those 21 years old and below are not allowed to go out, same with those 60 years old and above. So the guard was relieved that there need not to be a “scene” because he didn’t have to stop me from entering the premises.

In my head though: “The truth kuya, did you really base your judgement on my face or my height? I mean, I was wearing a mask.” 😏😏😏

I am 5’11 and I litereally look like a high school student. When I was pregnant with my daughter (I was 26 years old), people thought I was a case of teenage pregnancy and sort of “judged me”. It was when I told them my age that they apologized and had to explain that I had a “baby face” and I was “petite” that is why they thought such of me. 😒😒😒

I guess it’s hereditary as my mom and dad don’t look their age as well. 😝😝😝

Though this has gotten me into trouble sometimes as I have difficulty buying alcohol or going into bars. I was even asked at the airport if I had a guardian with me when I travelled alone. But in general, nothing major really, just petite girl stories.

More baby face/ petite girl stories in the future. Toodles. 😉😉😉

————-

*I stuttered when I told my age because I was caught off-guard. I mean two weeks without interaction with people outside the house, really took a toll on me. This is considering my social skills are low in the first place.

honoring mothers

first of all, i would like to honor the mothers in my life.

Antonia A. Carino

My grandmother from the side of my father. Thank you for taking care of me and my family. Though I was only two years old when you passed away, I felt that you have always been watching over us for a long time.

Concepcion T. Fontanilla
My grandmother from the side of my mother. We are thankful for the clothes that you made for us when we were younger and during our school years. Unfortunately we had a lot more arguments and differences as we eventually grew up. Though I still honor you as a mother for you tried your best to provide for your children despite the difficulties you have experienced.

Bernardita B. Isolana
Bjoy's mother, my mother-in-law. I was never able to meet her face to face as she already passed away when Bjoy and I met but I have heard great stories from Bjoy about her. The mere fact that she gave birth to nine boys and a girl is already a wonder to behold. I can just imagine the difficulty of raising a dominantly male household - all those testosterone. She was a great role model for her children. I can say that as I see the good values and discipline she has instilled in my husband Bjoy and his siblings.

Maria Lourdes F. Carino
My mother. Carried me inside her for nine months and risking her life to bring me to this world. I remember she would help me with my art homeworks and there was also a time when she juggled finishing college and being a mom to two girls. She does her best to provide for us but sometimes it backfires because of different reasons. There are days that we are fine together but there are days that we just want to keep our mouths quiet as to avoid saying anything bad against each other. Despite our differences I am still thankful for my mom in more ways than one.

Maria Socorro Catalina Antonia C. Contreras
My sister. I honor her because despite her age, she has overcome a great number of struggles as a young mother. I know that she is a strong person, but in the past year, she has proven to me that she has more spunk to give and I will be expecting more of that in the next few years.

Remember, being a mother is not just biological. There are "mothers" who do not fit our conventional definition of a mother, sometimes mothers are the strangers in our lives.

A great shout out to all the mothers in the world!

"it's all in your head"

great read and a good share.

hope you are all well informed and hopefully would be open to help.

support is well appreciated, i should know...

my brother = diagnosed with ADHD
my cousin = diagnosed with ADHD
distant aunt = OCD
friend = clinical depression

"it's all in your head" by DD Ocenar

God Is Love

God Is Love (1 John 4: 7-10)

Beloved,
 let us love one another, for love is from God, and
whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.

Anyone who does not love does not know God, because
God is love.

In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that
 God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.

In this is love,
not that we have loved God
but that he loved us and sent his Son to be
the propitiation for our sins.

time for love

"Make every heartbeat count." -Nutschell Anne Windsor

Time is ticking. Take every opportunity to LOVE MORE

Pope Francis

The Catholic faith has always had doctrines that were too strict that it created rifts between the people.

Recently, the Pope has been in the limelight because of his past and his views.

As a catholic myself, I would say that I like how the Pope has addressed a lot of issues that are surrounding the faith.

I guess, I support him because most of the things he has presented, are also my views at a certain extent.

Please see the article below.

Even the Pope Is Cool With Public Breastfeeding

CLP 2013 Batch 2 Chronicles: solace

find solace in the people whom you trust and love the most.

find solace in the most unexpected places, people and things.

i have been having personal struggles and i did not know how to address them,

so kept my silence.

i would cry it out, feel better, and then later, it would return.

then, a friend from SFC had a request.

there was nothing new about the request.

i was used to these kind of requests.

the most interesting thing about the request is the timing.

before, i used to believe in coincidence.

but since i started to be part of SFC,

this belief changed.

i now believe that things happen for a reason.

yes, it is painful and hard to accept, but it happens for a reason.

it's difficult to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel, still, it happens for a reason.

anyways, so the timing of the request of my friend was impeccable.

he asked for a dance routine for a song.

i was familiar with the song, so i thought it wasn't a biggie.

then it hit me.

as i was listening to the song, i felt that jolt in my heart.

ideas, visions and animated images filled my head.

i felt goosebumps that i haven't felt for a long time.

this was it!

i knew this was a message from God and his messenger was my friend.

He knew the perfect timing.

He knew how to awaken my senses.

"Here I am helplessly crying in your presence but you never questioned why. with open arms You welcomed me. I find solace in Your embrace."

My Lord, thank you for the people whom you have sent to send you message of concern and love for me.

I thank you for the gift of music, gift of movement and most of all the gift of talent.

I am not the best dancer in the world, but when I dance in your honor, I know that I am blessed with your graces.

Thank you for the people who reminded me of your love.

Thank you for the people who caught me when I was falling.

Thank you for the people who gave time and concern for your lost servant.

Thank you Lord for your grace and love.

Amen.

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special mention: thank you Harris Alas. :)

untitled entry

Lord, heal our land.

there have been a number of calamities happening recently, local and international.

we pray for healing, for our land, our country, our world,

prayers for those affected and in pain, for those in doubt, for those struggling,

for those who have hesitations to help, for those burdened to reach out,

for the people

and most of all,

for ourselves.

Amen.

CLP 2013 Batch 2 Chronicles: relate to others

hostility.

my description of what has been the relationship between me and some of the people that are around me. this does not apply to all but it definitely does apply to a majority. it's quite an empty, bothering and disturbing feeling.

jealousy.

in this competitive world, yearning to get the better half cannot be avoided. it's just painful to realize that i had that feeling towards my friends and the people who are most important to me. i am not saying that i should be jealous of people who i do know know. my point is that, having that feeling is very sad and dangerous, what made it worse is to whom i am jealous of. it is disheartening and unfortunate.

pride.

i am very guilty of this even before, but since the CLP started, i have been more aware of this. i have been trying to keep it down, be humble. unfortunately, there are times that i just want to speak out and prove your point.

there are so much more that i have to tell.

and then, it struck me.

i must have been dwelling too much about it that i have forgotten the light at the end of the road.

this CLP has so many challenges.

i am just thankful that there are people who made me realize my mistakes and bring me back to the "basics" of the duty and purpose being part of the service team.

thank you for the "angels" you have sent.

The Pope

another interesting article (^_^)

Muslim leader says Pope Francis ‘resonates with the Muslim world’

Ecclesiastes 12:7

"And the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it"

+

birthday celebration

i would like to take this opportunity to thank those who were able to attend my celebration. i really hope you guys enjoyed the night. (^_^)

pictures

one of the may performances that night


and lastly, pizza making video!

devotion, repentance and faith

everything seems to make better sense when you experience it first hand. every year, every holy week, we go to the province for a family obligation/tradition. someone in my mind i have imagined something going wrong during this yearly sacrifice we do and that the devotees would help us. i thought the people from our province have forgotten traditions and devotion. this year, i was very happy that i was proven wrong.

during the procession, we would expect the generator of the santo inchero to die and then it will be revived after a few minutes. this time around, the generator is dead. period. i was really panicking cause it was getting late, the night is arriving and the santo inchero has no light. to my amazement, the devotees put candles on the side of the santo inchero to light it. i was really moved and i was so happy to be proved wrong. the people in the province, despite the great change in the generation, still have devotion, was still repentant and most of all had great faith.

Lord, please bless these people who are willingly giving everything to you. they have entusted their life to you and i lift them all to you. they have taught me, never to lose faith in you. they are the real heroes and "saints" of the time.

sfc icon 2013: witness

hi everyone! (^_^) how are you? the last time i posted an entry, i mentioned something about dance practice.  well, the dance practice was for the opening night for the annual SFC ICON. (^_^) the theme for this year is "witness". this is in relation to the CFC theme this year, "obey and witness." anyways, it was mentioned in one of the talks that one cannot truly witness, if one does not obey.

to make it more concrete, in my case as one of the many performers, i had to obey the choreographer to be able to witness and be part of the performance. i saw the differences in people and those who really have the talent. i met people who were humble and they are willing to reach out to those who have difficulty getting the steps, at the same time, i met people who were too proud and were nagging and "selfish." despite this, we all had to obey to be part of the whole performance.

to be able to be a witness to the greatness of God, i have to learn to obey to his will and plans for me. this is easier said than done. as humans who are given the free will, we have plans for the future that we plan to accomplish. obeying God's plans may be difficult but it may mean going against hat we plan for ourselves. obeying means accepting, accepting what God has planned for us even if this is very challenging and difficult to achieve. obeying needs trust, strength and courage. we don't know what the future has for us, we are left to trust to whatever the God decides to plan for us. we need strength and courage to live out the plans of God, we have to admit, it's a battlefield in this world. we experience challenges and oppression that are just too painful to bear, but in the end we still rise up and face this journey we call life. (^_^) obeying means surrender. we surrender everything to God, whatever our plans are, whatever we face, whatever we do, we all surrender it to God. the smiles, the tears, the ups, the downs, the success, the failures, everything, we surrender it all to God. what do we get in all of this?

we become a witness.

we become a witness to how God can greatly influence our lives. we become living witnesses that despite the cruelties of this world, we can live day by day with hope and positive disposition. we know that at the end of the day, however shitty the day is, we still look forward to the gift of life we receive upon waking up the next day. (^_^) is that all that is to being a witness?

of course not!

being a witness also involves the people you interact with. the people you make memories with, the people who influence you, the little girl you teach in catechism, the kids who wait for you in the classroom for you to teach them, the stranger who smiled at you as you two were passing by each other, the cashier who gave you your change when you bought food, the guard who greeted you as you entered the building, the demanding boss, the strict mentor, everyone! every person that becomes a part of your life has involvement in you being a witness. how you talk to them, how you treat them, how you think of them, these are manifestations on how far you have witnessed as God's servant and how you share being a witness a living witness to God's love.

in my case, despite the clash in ideas and personalities during the dance practice for the SFC ICON, the choreographers were patient, strict and professional. they had every good intention even if they can be very harsh in their criticisms. as performers with different levels, experience  in dancing, from different chapters and clusters, we shared our knowledge and experience. we learn from each other and we form new connections and friendship. we learn how to deal with different people, we learn to spread and share the love of God that is within us.

lastly, prayers. there is nothing impossible in prayers. say prayers of thanksgiving, prayers of sorrow, prayers of happiness, prayers of doubt, prayers for family and friends, prayers for the sick, prayers for the dearly departed. you will never go wrong with prayers. prayer time is the time for reflection, your alone time with God, you one-on-one date with God.

in this SFC ICON 2013, i obeyed, i witnessed and i became an involved witness to God's greatness. (^_^)
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ps. here are the pictures from the conference. majority of the pictures are from my household head, jen ocbena. others are from my friends. (^_^)