Life update and learnings

•  Patience is a virtue that I need to work on. This applies at home and at the school. Recent life changes and events have made me realize that I need to stretch my patience longer in the months ahead. Patience was once a trait I pride myself on. But as I grew older, I became more impatient, especially after giving birth. I find practicing patience at home more challenging than at school. Because at home, I am juggling between household chores and managing my family's "wants." - and these overwhelm me. While at school, I share my patience with other school staff interacting with the children. This in turn lightens the demand to be patient since it becomes a shared virtue among the staff.

• Planning ahead is a MUST. BUT SOME PEOPLE DO NOT BELIEVE THIS. Before having a family, I "go with the flow." Now that I have a family, I have made it a point to have a plan, a backup plan, and, if possible, a backup to the backup plan. And I make sure that nobody gets burdened by the plans. This has made my previous plans less anxious and roadblocks more manageable. BUT some people do not make plans ahead of time, or they only plan for themselves and do not think about the group. Constantly being on my toes gives me anxiety, and most of the time, I reciprocate with anger or indifference towards the person. As of writing, I have no idea how to manage this. What I can do right now is acknowledge that there are people around me who are like this right now.

• There are times when a person needs to be sneaky to achieve peace. I recently realized this, and I haven't entirely accepted it. I have also despised going behind a person's back or looking at their personal "space." But recent life developments have forced my hand and I hate doing it. If I don't do it, the consequences are more grievous. I sound like I am justifying my wrong actions, but the people who are close to me know the predicament I am in right now. I need to be a game planner behind the scenes to minimize possible complications because of certain people's... arrogance. I never said I was a "good" person, but being in this situation makes me question my morals, and I don't like it. Unfortunately, I have to live with it.

• Silence does not mean submission, sometimes it's the only means to survive - or make the "person" think that they are in control. I am contemplating if I should expound on this as it is quite complicated and goes against years of cultural "values." What I can say for now is, that values may differ in every generation, in every circumstance, and in every family. I am in no position to judge anybody, and I hope they do not judge me too.

These are some of the learning in the first two months of the year. I said it before, and I would like to say it again, I strive to live, learn, and not "perfect" but be a better person for those around me. I do not expect it to be a walk in the park, and I know that these may take years or even forever, but I hope I improve with every step and learning that I have.

Certified Trained First Aider ("I finally have a purpose" cont.)

Hello everyone! 👋👋👋

How have you been? My last update was a month ago. I have many posts coming up. I will be sharing recent milestones and my thoughts regarding current topics relevant to everyone around me but from a personal point of view.

On January 11, I posted about my certification as a caregiver. The next on the agenda is the renewal of my qualification as a first aider under the Philippine Red Cross. Back in 2012, I had my first training as a first aider, but the validity of my qualification was only two years. Unfortunately, I was not able to re-train after 2014.

Last March 11, I finished my 4-day training under the Philippine Red Cross, and I am now a certified/trained first aider. This time around, I am more confident with the knowledge I gained. Hoping this qualification could help me build up my profile as a caregiver or a future in the health services industry. 🙏🙏🙏

I just wanted to add that I donated blood for the first time last March. I had qualms about donating blood because the idea of a needle on my arm for about 15 minutes made me feel uneasy. When I was going through the procedure itself, it was calming. Not sure if it was the loss of blood, but I also felt a little ecstatic and proud after donating blood. One reason is that not everyone is qualified to donate blood. There are strict parameters followed for blood donation. Second, not everyone can fill a blood bag (450ml) on their first donation - most volunteers can only supply half the blood bag.

Way to go Bea! 👏👏👏

Now, I am planning to donate blood at least twice a year. It is also a motivation to keep myself healthy.

That is my milestone for the past month. Hopefully, the coming months will yield positive outcomes too. 👌👌👌

"I finally have a purpose." update

I realized it has been a month since I updated. What has happened to me so far after saying "I have found a purpose?" To tell you all the truth, not much. Everything I was planning that is related to my Caregiving plans is all at the initial stages and not much movement.

Hopefully, I can give a better update about it in the future. 💪

"I finally have a purpose."

I acquired my certificate today for finishing the caregiver course. As I was going to the training center to get it, I felt a tinge of excitement because finally, I did it! The documentation proves that I am competent to be a caregiver. When I got the certificate, I felt a sense of responsibility and pride.

"I finally have a purpose."

Please don't get me wrong. My daughter is my inspiration, but the feeling of knowing that I am a certified caregiver hits me differently. It must be out of frustration from when I was in medical school ten years ago.

It was only later in the evening that I felt the weight of the responsibility of being a certified caregiver. The pressure hasn't dawned on me yet. Right now, I am still in cloud 9. We'll see what the next few weeks will be like for me.

The journey is not yet over - it has just begun. 💙💙💙

"Someone got my back" moment

Having someone defend you during your darkest times. The feeling is overwhelming. It not only pertains to Zhang ZheHan (yes, I recently became a fan. I'll post about that some other time.) but the general idea of knowing that there are still those who believe and defend you when everything seems to be against all odds.

Recently, I had my share of the "someone got my back" moment. It is an update about my friendship with Iala. As I have mentioned before, she is my classmate in a Caregiving course I enrolled in last year. Currently, we are to submit requirements and pay for our assessment. The budget was tight recently, and I mentioned that I might delay my evaluation because of the constraint. Without hesitation, she offered to lend me money on the spot. It would not usually bother me since it's a friendly gesture, and I also help my friends when I have the means. But you see, Iala and I have only been friends for less than a month - you may even call it acquaintance.

Her willingness to help me even though we haven't known each other for a long time surprises me.

Iala never ceases to amaze me. She exudes a feeling of trust in me that I have never felt with anyone before. Maybe, I am just used to being the helper and feel uneasiness when someone offers me help. When I think about it, the only one who helps in my times of need is my sister. And of course, that is different since we are blood-related.

I cannot stress how much Iala has made an impact on me in just a few weeks.

Honestly, I feel happy about this type of friendship between us. But I will not deny that I am afraid that these might all be pretenses.

Deep in me, I long for this kind of friendship, but I am afraid of losing it. These might be the reasons why I feel I must tread lightly in this friendship.

Oh, what does the future hold for us, my friend?

Bergette Antonella

To my dear daughter,

The past year has been a struggle, and I have been trying to teach you academically, and it has been frustrating. But in the end, it was you who taught me. You showed me your independence and doing things your way. You learn at your own pace, and you know what you want. Your words, actions, and emotions have improved without me noticing them immediately.

Your level of understanding surprises me every day, and it makes me proud of how to compose yourself in every situation. Though I know you get frustrated once in a while, I can see that you try to manage your emotions the best that you can. There are times you need time, or you need constant reminders, and I give it to you. In the long run, you don't disappoint.

I can see your growth.

Happy birthday my darling.

Self-doubt in my decisions

Recently, I have these circumstances where I fix an issue. I thought it would be fine. Then I would get notified that the transaction has an issue, so I suddenly have to leave the house and straighten out the problem. This is a problem for me because I have to ask my sister to watch over my daughter.

It has been going on for months now. I don't know if the problem is me or with the people I am transacting with?

Does anybody deal with this on an everyday basis like me?

Most of the time, a resolution does not go my way. Sometimes the effect on me is long-term. For circumstances that go my way, sometimes I still doubt if I did the right thing or not. Self-doubt is like digging your own grave, scary.

I used to have confidence in my decisions, now I second-guess everything I do. It is an unsettling feeling, and I hope to improve myself and be more confident with my resolutions.

Some things are not meant to be

For a month now, I am working on fixing an investment that went awry. I was so mad at the agents that I was creating scenarios in my head and plotting their downfall.

There was a sudden turn of events last week. As I went to their office to discuss the issue, things became emotional at some point.

In the end, I became friends with the people I was initially planning to "defeat." Well, not close friends but acquaintance friends.

I guess some people are not to be business associates but personal acquaintances?

I remember when I was in college, we had groupings for a research paper. There were eight of us in our group of friends, so we decided to group ourselves into two groups with four members each. Initially, there was good group dynamics. But as the months passed, there was tension between another member of the group and me. It continued until we finished the research paper. Luckily we were able to do good on the research paper. We decided never to be groupmates again for a research paper because of our differences in work ethic. We respected our differences, and there was no tension in our friendship.

Recently, I noticed that I have been forcing things to work my way. It is hard to admit that it is out of desperation. Everything has been a struggle, and one cannot deny that some have resulted in dangerous ways to survive. Sometimes I think that  I have done enough to survive, and sometimes I am too hard on myself that I say, "I am not doing enough."

The internal struggle is troubling.

Learning, for now, choose my battles. Should I fight for this to survive? Or should I accept it for now and work on it until I find the solution in the future?

Maybe, this not meant for me at this moment? For the future?

Friends? Acquaintances? or business associates?

Chocolate Donut vs Burnt Donut

Below is a cut-out of a donut used by my niece during her online class.

For me, it was a chocolate donut with caramel glaze and rainbow sprinkles.

For my sister Rei, it is a burnt donut with creme.

We were looking and describing the same thing but as you can see, we had a difference in how we perceived it.

Who would really say who is right?

That is how it is with life also.

What you perceive may be different from others.

Let us try our best to be understanding and view circumstances from a different vantage point.

I am not saying it is easy.

It may take a lot of patience, awareness, and practice.

Eventually, we will get there.

Ciao~

A year since I revived my blog, how am I?

Last year, I decided to revive my blog on my 30th birthday. A year has passed, and I thought of giving a rundown of what has happened this past year.

I started blogging again for personal and "selfish" reasons - for my mental health. I reread my post from last year and realized how crass the post sounded. I didn't mean to sound rude. During that time, I felt that working on my mental health was a selfish thing to do as a mother, and I felt guilty. Thankfully, I have friends who supported me and constantly reminded me that it's ok to find time and splurge on myself once in a while.

Even before the pandemic started, I have been struggling emotionally and mentally. I decided to do something about it and go back to the basics. One of those was blogging.

For the first few months, my posts were light-hearted. As the year progressed, I shared my opinions, stand in political and national issues, past experiences, raw emotions, anger, and frustrations. The posts right now range from random things that inspire me or my opinions/ideas that I would like to share.

Trying new things, rediscovering past hobbies, and a change I made

Growing up, I have always been afraid to try something new, afraid to fail and disappoint. The only time that I felt confident in trying something out of the ordinary was when I was in college. But after that, I would not say that I was a risk-taker. This past year, I tried learning new skills like baking, trying new cooking recipes, starting a business, planting an urban garden, fixing a shower, and investing in stocks. I also revisited past hobbies like drawing, dancing, photography, and playing the piano. Most were trial and error, but there were moments of success. Fear and laziness still delayed me from starting the projects. But when I eventually got to it, whether it was a success or a failure, I felt accomplished. This time around, I didn't put any pressure on myself. Whatever the results may be, at least I tried. It is only recently that I accepted that it does not matter if I am good at my hobbies. What is important is I can do it, and I enjoyed doing it.

One thing I changed that impacted my mental health was temporarily deactivating my Facebook for a month. And when I reactivated it, I limited my use of the platform to sell things. I rarely scroll through my feeds or react to posts. It was a life-changer for me.

My future plans

Around January last year, I decided I will be taking a course in Caregiving. The classes got delayed due to the pandemic, but it eventually pushed through last November. Saying I get anxious about becoming a caregiver, especially abroad, is an understatement. I am currently in the middle of the course, and I am still questioning my ability to deliver. I am scared of uncertainty. But at the end of the day, I don't want the feeling of regret for not taking the opportunity. Currently, this is the route I am choosing for my future. I am hoping to find purpose upon taking up this new chapter in my life.

I mentioned trying new things, harnessing new skills, and rediscovering past interests. But other than that, we had a struggle last year that we will never forget. It was when three members of our family tested positive for COVID 19. The level of anxiety, anger, and uncertainty was off the roof. Thankfully, nobody else got infected, and everyone eventually tested negative after two weeks of quarantine. It was a trying year for my family and me, but we continue to move forward.

How am I a year after I started this self-project of mine?

As compared to last year, I have a better understanding of my ability and skills. I have more confidence in trying new things, accepting failure, and clear goals on what I want to do or happen in my life. Little by little, I can say that I am comfortable with who I am.

What do I have to work on and improve?

I am aware that there is still a lot that I need to develop within myself, like consistency, patience, and self-control. These are some of the attributes I still have to improve. There are times I would still second-guess myself, and I still feel anxiety when things suddenly go awry.

The battle with my personal "monsters" has just begun.

Hopefully, my 31st year has better outcomes for me in the future.

Thank you for everyone's support, especially from my sister and my friends.

"If you can learn to love yourself and all the flaws, you can love other people so much better. And that makes you so happy." -Kristin Chenoweth

Realization because of Cello's Donuts (something to do about relationships)

 As I mentioned in my previous post, my sister and I had a realization while we were eating Cello's donuts yesterday.

Cello's Donuts is along Katipunan Ave, Quezon City, and it is a stone-throw away from my school and Rei's school. We had our individual stories regarding that place, both about a relationship. As we shared each other's stories yesterday, we realized that Rei was a side character of a shoujo manga.

Rei had a crush on Prince*, the best friend of the protagonist. And if I were to describe him in my own words from yesterday:

"So, he is that best friend. The quiet, mysterious, upper-class, pampered, good-looking, intelligent best friend." Practically the best friend of the protagonist in every shoujo manga. The protagonist, King*, is athletic, outgoing, friendly, independent,  middle-class, and does well in academics.

For some reason, Rei invited Prince to go to a hobby shop, which is the same place and is the same owner of Cello's Donuts. On the way there, they met King. He was surprised that Rei and his best friend were together. He then started to tease my sister and Prince. When he left, Rei apologized to Prince because of the teasing. Prince smiled and shrugged it off. They then continued to their destination.

Upon realizing the "characters" in her story, she said:

"No wonder I was not getting anywhere! I was a side-character in a shoujo manga!"

These brought us both to tears laughing.

As for me, I told Rei that mine was not as compelling as hers.

Cello's Donuts brings me bitter and sweet memories. A confrontation happened with the person I had a relationship with, and the said person walked out. Though, it was also the same place where I met a close friend of mine. I told her that the relationship between the person I was involved with and me was over. We had an engaging chat while eating after that.

At first, we just accepted my memory as a simple story. I then jokingly said that if I changed the gender of the people in my narrative, maybe it might become a BL manga. We laughed aloud again, but then I realized that was possible. And from then onwards, I continued to fall into a dark rabbit hole. Update on a story based on my college relationship maybe in a few weeks? or months? We'll see.

The most ironic about all this is that my sister is known for being a fujoshi queen. In the end, she was part of a shoujo manga. For me, I admit that I tend to like shoujo mangas. In the end, it was me who is part of a BL manga.

The irony of it all.

Small victories: Shower apparatus

Just wanted to share.

Our shower was leaking for weeks now, and it has gotten worse in the last few days. I finally decided to fix it. There were some pieces I had to shatter and dismantle. When I finally thought I had a  solution, I found out that my initial remedy was just a band-aid solution. Knowing the real source of the leak, I bought the necessary things to fix it. The first roadblock, I found out that our shower apparatus is already old, nobody was selling the exact parts that I need. So I ended up buying the parts that resemble the original piece that I needed to replace. When I got home, I modified the newly-purchased parts to fit our shower apparatus. I got a small burn on my finger trying to cut rubber with a hot knife.

I eventually fixed everything, and it worked well.

Kudos to me!

I am not new to fixing stuff around the house. My sister and I joke around that one day, I will have my own fixing business. I will call it "Bear Fix-It Station." This was the first time I fixed a shower apparatus. It's not a monumental success, but for me, this is a small achievement. With things happening in our lives right now, small victories feel empowering.

Hoorah for small victories! (-_~)

Stranger for Rent

I saw this post on Facebook.

 

I read some of the comments, and most were laughing or making jokes sarcastic reactions about it, even saying it might be somebody's dream job. 

Though these are light humor, if we are to analyze the situation, it is depressing. I can personally relate to this on the side of the client. Ever since I could remember, I felt I should always look and act a certain way. Never show weakness and always look confident, fake it till you make it, what most people say.

This helped me when I was a student and when I was younger, but as I was starting to enter adult life, it has become an internal struggle. I would always filter what I say and second guess myself in everything I do. I eventually came to a point when I simply kept everything bottled in because I was afraid of what other people would think of me, especially my relatives.

I understand the client in the video,  talking to a total stranger about events in your life that you cannot share with people who are literally with you every day. The stranger has no previous information about you. It is unlikely to see each other again in a social gathering.

Sometimes, we merely need someone to accompany and listen to us, an individual who would not complicate a "yes or no" question. To have social interaction without attachment nor commitment, merely a temporary presence to interact with.

If I was in Japan, I would most likely ask for his services. Of course, with safeguards in place, and good intentions in mind, this service might be a relief for someone like me.

Quick one for today

Just a quick one cause I am exhausted.

Adulting milestone for me. It was my first time filling out checks under my own name and account. It was anxiety-inducing and awkward, but there was a sense of responsibility and urgency.

Observation of the day. I do not think my body is accustomed to staying out of the house for half a day or longer. At 7 o'clock in the evening, I was already tired, and I cannot keep my eyes open longer than two minutes.

As of writing, I am struggling to express my thoughts and finish this post. There is a tinge of accomplishment, but right now, I am worn-out.

That is all for now. I will post more about why I filled out checks in future posts.

Ciao. 

Rei can be witty... but sometimes...

I know my sister Rei is witty, but sometimes, I think she just lacks oxygen.

Let me share with you instances that my sister graced us with her witty brain. Or sometimes her oxygen-deprived brain.

When her daughter asked her, "what is yoga?" My sister's reply was, "extreme stretching." She ain't wrong, but she wasn't right either.

She asks her kids, "who wants ice cream?" Of course, the kids would all say, "Yes!" There was this one time the kids said "no." Then I heard my sister tell herself, "Well, I guess I won't eat ice cream." Apparently, she asks the kids if they want ice cream so she can have an excuse to eat ice cream too. Got to admit this was clever.

Last Christmas season, I was concerned about how to hide the gifts we bought for the kids. My sister said to hide it in plain sight. This confused me, but then she showed the paper bags on top of a high cabinet. The kids saw the paper bags every day and did not show interest until Christmas Eve. It was when we started to put the paper bags underneath the Christmas tree. It was genius, I tell you!

These are just a few of my sister's witty actions.

And then there are times that my sister lacks oxygen in the brain to even think straight.

My sister works night-shift. She usually wakes up at 11:30 am or generally around lunchtime. When I am busy preparing food, I ask her to set the table when she comes down for lunch. And she always forgets to put the glasses for the water. She only realizes this when we are all seated at the table, hungry and about to devour lunch. And her excuse is always the same, "brain lacking oxygen."

Another instance was when we went for a site visit for a potential house location. The agent kept on telling us that the details regarding the house will be discussed at their office. She then asked my sister, "Ma'am are you going to the office? My sister's response was, "No, I don't have work today." I looked at Rei and laughed. Then I retorted, "Lacking oxygen in the brain again? She is asking if we are going to their office to discuss the terms and conditions." We could not help but continue to laugh together.

There are more moments I would like to share, but I'll limit it to two for now. It has become an inside joke between my sister and me whenever these happen. I understand that her circadian rhythm is messed up, and this sort of messes with her judgment and decision-making.

It's just funny how she can be one of the wittiest people I know and the same time, one of the always spaced-out people I know.

Rei, this is for you b***h!

New Year 2021

Manigong Bagong Taon!
Happy New Year!

Narang-ay A Baro A Tawen!

Feliz Año Nuevo!

Hopefully, this year, we can rise from the adversities from last year.

May we still have the strength and continue to reach for our goals despite the struggles.

To see the silver lining in every storm that comes our way, and be victorious in this game we call life.

Kampai! 🍹🍹🍹

Life goes on

Today, I went out to get a delivery sent from the province. It was raining hard but I still had to get it because there was food inside and it might spoil. On the way to the bus terminal, I just walked. But on my way home, I had to take the jeep and the tricycle as the package was a little heavy. As I looked outside the vehicle, I saw the build up of jeeps, cars, motorcycles, bikes, and taxis.

Life goes on.

Despite the impending health hazards due to the pandemic and now the strong rains, everyone is now trying to just continue with their lives. The reason they are out is not because they have accepted the new normal. The real reason is because if they don’t move along, they will die of hunger. They need to work to put food on their table, to buy load for their children’s online class, to pay the bills, and the list goes on.

Yes, we Filipinos are resilient and it is something that we are proud of. But I think this should not be romanticized to the point that it is already used as a rebuttal and excuse to our fellow men to “keep on holding on! Laban lang! Tiis tiis lang, malalampasan din natin ito! Kaya natin ito, Pilipino tayo!”

I am not just talking about accountability from the government (I still think the government could have prevented our current crisis had they stopped the Chinese flights from entering the country.)

I am also referring to the media that attempts to uplift everyone’s morale by they dramatic, tear-jerking videos and paraphernalia. Yes, it is emotional and it definitely tugs the heartstrings, but it already has come to a point where it has become toxic positivity.

I know I don’t have the voice, nor the connections, nor am I in the right position to say this, but I would like to suggest that the media stop using these kind of emotional tactics to get people’s attention and instead promote mental health amid the crisis.

The media can help people understand what mental health is, and diminish the stigma attached to it. This way people understand that sometimes, it’s ok to not fight until you are ready to actually face the struggle. Remove that toxic notion of “Laban lang hanggang kamatayan.” If you die, how else will you help your family?

The media can also work hand in hand with institutions that offer mental health services. Make it more accessible to the public. There centers and institutions that offer free consultation and services, unfortunately majority are not aware of it and again the stigma of asking for mental health services hindering people to ask for it.

How will this help in everyone’s everyday struggle? How will these help put food on the table?

Truthfully, it will not directly help in putting food on the table, but indirectly it can help in making a person capable enough to accept and understand their struggles. It can help people better cope and adjust, in their own pace, have a better disposition in their work and still provide for their family. And hopefully in the long run, think of better ways to improve their current situations.

Working yourself to death just to provide is the only way to survive now, but I hope it won’t be the case in the long run.

I know the idea is far-fetched and the suggestions are mediocre, but I still stand and believe that it can be effective, especially if the government also did it’s share in making the FIlipinos secure, economically and health wise, in their own country.

Of course in a utopian world, it would really be more helpful if the high officials of our government did it’s part and prioritized the health and security of it’s citizens rather than the alliances and politics of it all. Just saying, I still blame the high officials (not the whole government per se, but the people up there who are making the calls) for the current state of our country right now.

At the moment, we just really have to wing it. Fight or die (because not everyone has the choice of Flight from the horrible circumstances).

“No day, but today”

There have been posts in Facebook recently where someone tags you and you have to post for 7-12 days about books, movies, or songs that inspired or moved you (there are different variations of these posts). Unfortunately, I am not the kind to post something like that everyday, because I am lazy also, I only have a handful of “things” that have moved me. 🤣🤣🤣

So I decided to just make a blog post about it. 🤣🤣🤣

Well, another reason why I want to make a post about it here is because in the facebook posts, you are not allowed to put any details why or how the picture/video you posted changed or moved you.

In my case, I want to share, why these musicals/ movies have influenced me.

First off, The Phantom of the Opera.

I cannot count how many times I have resolved to watching The Phantom of the Opera when I hit a brick wall while doing projects at school. You could say I liked the glamour of the movie but at the same time I liked the angst within the movie.

Next is, Prince of Tennis the Musicals (Tenimyu).

I didn’t watch the anime nor read the manga, but the musical I sort of followed. 😅😅😅 It was my dear friend Tessa and my sister Rei who introduced me to the musical. The songs from the musicals helped me through my college years, a year in medical school and my first few years working. I remember we even had a high grade in our Physical Education class when we used one of the songs from the musical, in addition to that, we “forced” our professor to let us use a badminton rackets instead of the usual rhythmic instruments used in dancing. I was gutsy in college. 😑😑😑 It was also because of these musicals that I had more confidence in dancing any style I want.

Lastly, Rent the Musical.

First time I heard a song from Rent (other than Seasons of Love) was in high school. It was my friend Lian who let me hear the song, Light my Candle on her Discman. But it was only in my first year of college that I heard all the songs and watched the movie. This musical changed my life. “No day, but today” was my motto for more or less six years. And in those six years, I had adventures I never thought I would experience. After a few years, I seem to have forgotten this motto. I had regrets, pain and self-doubt that I lost myself. It is only recently that I began to uplift myself.. I still have those times where my emotions devour me, but I seem to manage them better now. A few weeks ago, I heard one of the songs from Rent, One Song Glory by no other than Adam Pascal. Once again, it changed me. I listened and watched snippets of the musical and felt more motivated to continue pulling myself out of the rubble of self-pity and regret. Rent the Musical Broadway Production has officially closed in 2008, but the songs still reverberate in everyone’s hearts, most specially mine.

I also like songs from different musicals but these are my top three that really made a mark in my head in in my heart.

My family and I, we are what you would call hopeless romantics. 😅😅😅 In addition to that, we are easily overcome by our emotions. Me specifically, I can be so overwhelmed by my emotions that I actually cease to function. Of course after watching and listening to these productions, I feel more motivated and refreshed, to move on and face my impending struggles.

I will try my best to live my life with content, happiness and appreciation with these songs from productions that will always inspire me. And I end my post with my favorite line from Rent, “Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other road, no other way, no day but today.”

Death/ Pandemic/ Suicide

Warning: this post may be sensitive and depressing. I would not blame you if you decide not to read it.

Statistically, someone dies everyday. Though nobody really had interest in it until now, during the pandemic.

I myself experience death in the family during the pandemic. My grandfather didn’t die because if the virus, he died because of complications in his health. We were already expecting his death, so in a way, we were emotional prepared for it. What we did not prepare for though is the burden of not being able to give him a proper send-off ceremony.

I guess it’s almost the same, but not quite, with the family members of those who were infected by the virus. The family members see death, and they know it will come to that, but they cannot be by their love one’s side on their last breath.  Though there are those who survive, there are those who have succumbed to death, alone, on the bed, with no love ones beside them.

What we don’t see in the statistics of death right now are those who commit suicide. Recently, there is news about the Japanese actor Miura Haruma who allegedly committed suicide. Reports say it may be drug related. Personally, suicide is a sensitive topic, not because I am scared of it, it’s because I have attempted it. I haven’t really been open about it to anyone, except a handful of people. Though I still have the urge once in a while, I have been more conscious of how to deal with it. Unfortunately, my way of dealing with it may be different with the way other deals with it.

Suicide is still taboo for most cultures around the world and I am afraid there might be an increase in suicide cases during the pandemic and most will just ignore it.

Due to the physical distancing, people feel more isolated. Based from experience, isolation is the worst environment for those who have suicidal thoughts. Others would say “It’s him/her who wants to be isolated. They don’t even want to talk when we try to talk to them.” The truth is, we want to talk but we also have that thought inside of us that we don’t want to burden other people with our own baggage. Believe me, it’s a whirlwind of emotions inside of us. So much that we become speechless and we simply have no words for it. We like the company, just don’t force us to talk. We will eventually talk, when we feel we have the strength to do it.

The pandemic has limited everyone’s resources and those who are greatly affected by this are those who are low-income earners. There are more people in the streets right now begging for food and money just to survive. I hope this doesn’t happen, but it is not impossible, if they cannot provide anything for their family anymore, they will end their life. It’s a far-fetched idea, but it is not impossible. Desperation wrecks your mind in a whole new level.

I know I cannot do much right now. I try to help every now and then but I too have my own struggles, financially. Prayers are most that I can give for everyone, specially those who are greatly struggling, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Other than death about about by the pandemic, this may even be the death of the human psyche.

First half of 2020

“What is the most useless material that was bought in 2019?

...

A 2020 Planner”

This... is partly true.

The ash fall from the eruption of Taal volcano at the first month of the year, shutdown establishments, highways and airports. Limiting most of our movements due to the air being unsafe.

We thought this was just a little bump at the start of the year. Everything seemed to have been back to normal after a few weeks - or so we thought.

Come March, everyone was forced to a lockdown/ community quarantine due to the pandemic. Half of the year has passed and some areas are still in community quarantine, though some business have been reopened, most areas still feel like ghost towns as there are only limited number of people allowed in establishments.

Wheeeeeww!!!! That was depressing.

To make things a little lighter, I would like to share what I am grateful for despite the first half of the year being unpleasant.

At the first two months of the year, my daughter was able to visit to at least one province from Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao.

Let me elaborate on that. We moved from Abra to Manila last October 2019. So our home base is now Manila.

So for the first day of January, my daughter and I were in the Province of Abra in Luzon.

A few weeks later, late January, we went to the Province of Zamboanga del Norte in Mindanao, with my husband who was on vacation. This is my husband’s province. We were there for about a week.

Mid- February, we went to the Province of Cebu in Visayas, to accompany my aunt who was visiting from Australia.

Despite the months after the being shitty, I look back and still feel grateful that my daughter and I were able to travel. Though, truthfully the only reason we were able to travel is because we had family matters to attend to.

What I am trying to say is, at least my daughter was able to see different places before she was home-locked due to the pandemic. 

It is within this first half of the year that I started to return to blogging and tried to revisit some of my forgotten hobbies. This is a work in progress.

That is all for now I guess.

I wonder what the other half of the year will be.

Till next time.

—- 

PS. There are other things that happened within the first half of the year, but these are family matter that I cannot share in my blog.

PSS. To those saying “ang yabang naman” or “check your privileges girl”...

I want to make it clear that the travel to different provinces were opportunities that I decided to take for my daughter to be able to see places. We don’t usually travel, it just happened that we had to go to these places and it happened that we had/ we were offered the resources for it.

I acknowledge the fact that we are one of the “lucky ones” who, despite the pandemic is still able to live comfortably. Though that does not mean that we don’t go out of our way to help in our small ways - we simply don’t post in public the kind of help we provide.