Being a Catholic has greatly influenced my upbringing both in a positive and a negative way.
A little background: I grew up in a strict Catholic family. We have traditions and “obligations” rooted in the Catholic faith that has been passed down from generations to generations. My sister and I studied in an all-girls Catholic school for 14 years.
It is because of my Catholic upbringing that I learned the importance (and sometimes my dependence) of (in) prayers, in triumph and thanksgiving, in defeat and desperation, in decision-making and uncertainty.
Chapels have been my sanctuary for years whenever I feel overwhelmed or when I feel something unnerving is about to happen. I cannot count how many times I have bawled my eyes out at our high school chapel. When I was already working, I would still visit our high school chapel even though it was on the opposite direction from my workplace.
I have owned a necklace with a crucifix ever since my junior year in high school, though the crucifix changes over the years because I sometimes end up giving my crucifix to people who I think “needs it’s guidance and protection.” more than me. I know how weird this sounds, but in my case, a crucifix helps me feel “more grounded” is situations that make me anxious.
Growing up, I have been taught (specially by the nuns) to pity those who are less fortunate than me. I would volunteer in outreach programs (I still do, but my demeanor is somewhat different now) and give alms to the poor.
Later on will I realize how these teachings I learned would be twisted and turned against me, specially by my own family. I was called weak, gullible, and “detached” from the cruelties of reality just because I was showing basic human decency. I am having second thoughts sharing about this part as this is still raw and fresh, maybe some other time?
To continue, the family tradition that I used to respect and follow has become a source of conflict between me, the brother of my grandfather and my uncles and aunts. It has become a “mini competition and a show of money” rather than a sincere devotion to the faith.
For most of my educational years, I followed the teachings of the Catholic Church by the book. I was so proud of that, to the point I have become arrogant and closed-minded about the issues against the church. The ones who taught me to be open-minded were my high school friends. They too had a Catholic upbringing but the way they discussed and talked about the flaws of the Catholic Church made me better understand my faith.
Unfortunately, when I went to college and after I graduated, somewhere along the line, I got lost again.
I was sure about my faith and my belief, then someone criticized my way of praying being too short or being lazy. Suddenly I changed the manner of how I prayed, I then heard myself ask too much, that I would sound utterly selfish.
I was involved in church organizations that I thought, during that time, would help me in my spiritual journey. Boy was I wrong. My understanding of the Catholic faith was having an open-mind and an open heart in understanding people’s life, views, opinions and situations in life. When I joined these organizations, I was boxed in certain biases that went against my understanding of my faith. People around had the same so- Called bias and I, succumbing to social pressure, followed their belief, their norm, their views. In the long run, it became a source of internal conflict within me.
I was devoured by my pride believing I was in the right “stand”. I was a hypocrite.
Then I had my own family, I gave birth, and it took another four years after that to “rediscover” my faith once more.
For the past 30 years of my existence, I based my decisions, my views and my morals on how I was raised in a Catholic environment. Only to realize that the very same environment would be my downfall.
At the moment, I would say that I am still in the “initial” stage of my rediscovering my faith. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic or just the desperation, or maybe both? But I feel the lack of dedication and sincerity in my prayers - it’s unnerving and frustrating.
My learnings from all this, despite having a strong influence and upbringing based on the Catholic faith:
- I can still get lost and become a hypocrite.
- That understanding faith and belief, is a constant journey of rediscovery.
- Vigilance and critical thinking should be practiced when deciding once views and stands.
At the end of the day, basic human decency, open-mindedness, understanding, and unconditional love is the core of being a Catholic.
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