Every day, a cycle

My mind is blank,

wandering, and floating.

Uninspired, uninterested,

a sloth in my own home.

Guilt.

It sinks in.

Tears trickling

down my cheeks.

Sober up.

Breathe. Move.

Productive.

Tired. Rest.

In the evening,

lying in bed,

intrusive thoughts

drown me once again.

Drowsiness

creeps in.

"Good night darling, I love you."

"Good night mom, I love you."

Content. Sleep.

Repeat.

Rain and Peace

I have always been awed by the rain.

It gives me a calming effect.

But at the same time, a tinge of worry.

Maybe because I seem to always

have things that I think I have to do.

Or maybe it's just my anxiety.

Or both.

There is a sense of comfort,

in the dampness and cold air.

The steady spitter and spatter,

has a rhythm that steadies the heart.

Some feel scared at the presence of rain.

It can be due to trauma.

Some are annoyed and irate,

because of the inconvenience of it.

Most don't like the idea of raining,

the affinity to isolation.

As for me,

the feeling of isolation,

is a momentary feeling of peace.

In Silence

My hands are trembling again.

It’s creeping up to me,

I hate it but I can feel it.

Will it happen again?

I thought I was handling it well.

Calm, controlled, almost nonchalant.

Silence.

My mind, my thoughts betray me.

Everything rushes to consciousness.

I am devoured.

By my own thoughts,

Feelings,

Emotions,

Scenarios,

Fear,

Loss.

I am drowning in my own thoughts.

I want to cry, to shout,

Curse, blame, hate.

But I can’t.

I

Have

To

Be

Strong.

Failed.

Getting nauseous.

Staggered  breathing.

Tears.

“Help...”

I whisper.

I beg God.

I pray.

“Please...”

“Save him.”

Bergette Antonella

Beautiful girl,

Expressive are your eyes.

Radiant is your smile, that

Gives great comfort to us.

Energetic and lively,

Truly you bring joy

To your family,

Elated, when with you.

Artistic and imaginative,

Naive and innocent.

Timid at times,

Often hiding  or shy. 

Naughty, only with your cousins.

Engaged in stories,

Love for adventures evident.

Little in size,

Amazing in actions.

This is my daughter,

Bergette Antonella.

6/13/2020

Ps. Link to my instagram for her Filipino-theme birthday celebration with her cousins. Due to the pandemic there was no big celebration, it was just a simple and enjoyable lunch for the kids.

though the heart speaks

a painful heart becomes a strong heart,
though time is needed for the change.

the plans of the heart are offered through prayers,
though sometimes, answered prayers are not according to plan.

hurting is the heart,
though enduring and resilient.

yielding to the desire of the other heart,
though still intense in expressing ones love.

my dear heart,
how are you holding up so far?

still in love, full of passion,
overflowing in drama,

true and loyal to the very end.

We Thank Thee by Ralph Waldo Emerson

For flowers that bloom about our feet,
Father, we thank Thee.
For tender grass so fresh, so sweet,
Father, we thank Thee.
For the song of bird and hum of bee,
For all things fair we hear or see,
Father in heaven, we thank Thee.

For blue of stream and blue of sky,
Father, we thank Thee.
For pleasant shade of branches high,
Father, we thank Thee.
For fragrant air and cooling breeze,
For beauty of the blooming trees,
Father in heaven, we thank Thee.

For this new morning with its light,
Father, we thank Thee.
For rest and shelter of the night,
Father, we thank Thee
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends,
Father in heaven, we thank Thee.

CLP 2013 Batch 2 Chronicles: no holds barred/ commitment

there is too much to ask, there is too much to say.
you know the dastardly villain within my veins.
judge me not for what you see,
for i have condemned me.

there is no verdict that i give.

for who am i to critic?

guilty i am for what i have done,

but them, do they state their own faults?

i am young, inexperienced and immature
my emotions are what i hold on to.
do you dare take these away?
when these are all i have?

humbug!

you are more than what you say.

belittle not yourself,

for i see in you, more than what you think.

this felon in me, how do i eradicate?
it has scarred me to much,
rotting my body, my heart, my soul.

prayers, prayers, prayers.

we know our sins, we are both culpable.

the time has come for change.

facing our selfish indulgences.

to our Creator,

we must always return.

be reminded of the core of the service.

this will be our oath,

the commitment.

full moon

my lady,

poised, with an aura that can move great bodies of water.

you swoon your admirers and they sigh at your presence.

a deception in a mist and air of beauty.

amused by the irrationality of emotions.

you are revered by every soul - alive, dead, enchanting, immortal and the creatures of the night.

and yet...

you rule neither one of them.