""How do you leave the past behind when it keep finding ways to get to your heart? It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out 'til you're torn apart."" - Jonathan Larson, Rent
Beatriz Sister of Socorro and Enrique. Who loves my daughter, music, and swimming. Who likes sketching, dancing, and learning how to bake. Who hates unplanned outings, arrogant people, and loud places. Who eats pasta, mangoes, and kimchi. Who plays paper dolls with Bergette, Sudoku, and the piano. Who is good at creating things, abstract reasoning, and looking for good bargains. Who worries about my family in the Philippines, driving, and "what's for dinner?" Shingle Creek Farm, State Highway 65, Maruia Cariño-Isolana
Patience is a virtue that I need to work on. This applies at home and at the school. Recent life changes and events have made me realize that I need to stretch my patience longer in the months ahead. Patience was once a trait I pride myself on. But as I grew older, I became more impatient, especially after giving birth. I find practicing patience at home more challenging than at school. Because at home, I am juggling between household chores and managing my family's "wants." - and these overwhelm me. While at school, I share my patience with other school staff interacting with the children. This in turn lightens the demand to be patient since it becomes a shared virtue among the staff.
Planning ahead is a MUST. BUT SOME PEOPLE DO NOT BELIEVE THIS. Before having a family, I "go with the flow." Now that I have a family, I have made it a point to have a plan, a backup plan, and, if possible, a backup to the backup plan. And I make sure that nobody gets burdened by the plans. This has made my previous plans less anxious and roadblocks more manageable. BUT some people do not make plans ahead of time, or they only plan for themselves and do not think about the group. Constantly being on my toes gives me anxiety, and most of the time, I reciprocate with anger or indifference towards the person. As of writing, I have no idea how to manage this. What I can do right now is acknowledge that there are people around me who are like this right now.
There are times when a person needs to be sneaky to achieve peace. I recently realized this, and I haven't entirely accepted it. I have also despised going behind a person's back or looking at their personal "space." But recent life developments have forced my hand and I hate doing it. If I don't do it, the consequences are more grievous. I sound like I am justifying my wrong actions, but the people who are close to me know the predicament I am in right now. I need to be a game planner behind the scenes to minimize possible complications because of certain people's... arrogance. I never said I was a "good" person, but being in this situation makes me question my morals, and I don't like it. Unfortunately, I have to live with it.
Silence does not mean submission, sometimes it's the only means to survive - or make the "person" think that they are in control. I am contemplating if I should expound on this as it is quite complicated and goes against years of cultural "values." What I can say for now is, that values may differ in every generation, in every circumstance, and in every family. I am in no position to judge anybody, and I hope they do not judge me too.
These are some of the learning in the first two months of the year. I said it before, and I would like to say it again, I strive to live, learn, and not "perfect" but be a better person for those around me. I do not expect it to be a walk in the park, and I know that these may take years or even forever, but I hope I improve with every step and learning that I have.
The first 36 days of 2024 were eventful. A summary of the first month of 2024:
My family and I went on our first family holiday since we (our daughter and I) arrived in New Zealand. Our daughter loved swimming; she swam at the Maruia River, in a paddling pool in the middle of the city, and in the thermal pools at Hanmer Springs. Yes, she is a water baby.
I learned a few new recipes in cooking and baking. I have yet to perfect them, but the food was edible.
Oh! I got an extremely short haircut! The shortest haircut I have ever had. I am contemplating whether I should write a separate post about this. Hmmm...
In my New Year's Day post, I mentioned that I was looking forward to opportunities soon. The opportunity I was referring to was employment. I sent my application for the Teacher Aide role at my daughter's school last December 2023. On the 11th of January, I was interviewed and accepted for the role on the same day. As of writing, I am officially employed as a Teacher Aide.
I also mentioned in my New Year's Day post that we will move to a different farm. Well, I have an update on that too. My family will no longer be moving because my husband will be moving up the ranks. My husband will be the only one from their current dairy farm team staying and managing the farm. This is good news for me, as my employment at the school won't be cut short. I was worried about moving because I would have to look for another job after recently accepting one. But now that we are no longer moving, it is a relief that I will be working at the school a little longer.
There are hiccups and frustrations amid the good updates, but at the end of the day, these are my small successes moving forward.
And that is all the update for the first days of 2024. I am looking forward to sharing more stories in the future.
Honestly, I know that I posted it but didn't realize it has been (more than) 10 years since I posted it. It was only by chance that I decided to backtrack the post. Realizing it has been 10 years, I would like to take this opportunity to "reply" to my letter and post another one for my 33/34 year old self - hopefully I am still using this blog site 10 years from now.
Of course, the song that inspired these entries.
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To the me, ten years ago...
Dear Bea (22/23),
I don't know how to say this - We are content with what we have right now. But the happiness that we have been yearning for, we are not there yet my dear.
We haven't found our Oishi or Zukki, but we are married and we have a beautiful and amazing daughter.
We are have our small accomplishments, yet, we continue to "reach for a dream."
We haven't travelled to Japan nor Europe, but we will be moving to a different country with our family.
We will be meeting more people along the way, but our high school friends, will still be there to listen to us - specially Angeli and Lian.
Do you remember Edelyn? We will rekindle the friendship we have and she will play a major role in our future relationship. She will be our confidant and support. I warn you though, she will challenge us and make us question decisions in life, but this is for us to realize what you really want to happen in our life.
Remember our frustration in helping people in healthcare? We will have that opportunity but it's not how we thought it would be. This is definitely one of the highlights when we hit our 30s.
We will enter an intimate relationship and this will test us. There will be ups and downs like any relationship, and we will eventually make a family with him. But here me out, married life is not what we think it is.
The next few years will be a roller coaster for us and there are major life events that will change our perception of adulthood and life. The world will change due to a pandemic and we will make life decisions that will greatly affect our future. In jest, our life will revolve around our family, specifically our daughter.
The future is far from what we thought it would be.
We keep on going back to basics because we keep on getting lost. But don't fret, we always bounce back. We learn to appreciate smaller things and we are more humbled by events around us. We continue to believe in our abilities and skills, but we also learn how to celebrate in silence.
I don't want to dishearten you. The next years are still learning experiences for us. Stay strong, I can assure you, it will pass. You will see it through, hang in there, CHANGES are inevitable - just give yourself time to digest it all.
Stay true to yourself and before I forget, MUSIC will always be your salvation. You will hear more artists and they will also be your inspirations. LOVE YOURSELF my dear Beatriz.
That is all for now.
-Beatriz (33)
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To the me, ten years from now...
My dear Beatriz (43/44),
I learned that happiness has different levels, are we happy and content? Or are we finally happy like what we have been yearning for?
Are we still crying for the same reasons? Or are we crying tears of joy?
How far have we travelled? How many destinations have we visited? I hope we have reached the balance of home and travel we have been looking forward too?
How is Bergette? I hope we have prepared and guided her well for her future.
Are we able to protect those we value? Are we stronger and more cable?
I continue to quote some of the questions from the song:
" Are you happy right now?
Or in loneliness
Are you crying?...
Who do you like now?
Or maybe it hasn't changed
You still like that person?..."
Are CHANGES still difficult for us?
Are we still ourselves?
I hope when I look back on this post, I can say "Finally!"
I started this blog in November 2009, and it has been 14 years since then. I do not regularly update, and I go on unannounced hiatus and return. But this year, I hope to revive my blog once again. Like the famous saying, "Try and try until you succeed."
Major update: I have migrated to New Zealand. The move was last August 2023 - it was in the middle of the winter season when we arrived. Four months have passed since we arrived, but adjustment is ongoing. I am grateful to everyone who has been helping me with the change - my friend Edelyn, Ley, and the principal and staff of my daughter's school.
The move from one country to another is a major change for me and my daughter, but this morning I received news about a major change once more. My husband's boss accepted a managerial position on a farm at a different region in New Zealand. Since they are a (dairy) team, we will be moving with him. The move is in June but as early as now, we are planning for it. Honestly, the move makes me nervous because my daughter and I have warmed up to the school community. This is one of the down sides of having a family while working at the dairy farming sector. Moving from one farm to another is inevitable.
Change is (definitely) the only thing constant in this world. The irony of the saying can be a hard pill to swallow.
There are opportunities I am looking forward to in the next two months. I hope I can give a decent update in the future.
I also have goals that I hope to accomplish within the first half of the year and one of those is getting a Learner's Driving License. Knowing how to drive is essential here in New Zealand. It opens up more opportunities in general and it is the primary mode of transportation here.
There are numerous events to look forward to this year and I hope I can be consistent in documenting it here.
For now, I wish everyone a happy a prosperous new year ahead of us all.
Yesterday was my first time joining a Zumba Class. For some reason. I felt elated and amused at myself. I am once again in limbo since I resigned from my work last January. I have had moments of highs but definitely experienced a number of lows recently. Whenever I feel like this, I tend to revert to my "safe zones." My safe zones are places and activities that I have done before, making me feel secure and lessening my anxiety. Below are activities that I tend to revert to:
listening to one song repeatedly for weeks and even months.
watching movies that I have watched before where I can predict the ending.
waking up later than usual.
refusing to leave the house unless it's utterly urgent.
eating more than usual.
I am not sure if I have shared it here before, but I have been struggling with anxiety and depression symptoms since I was in high school. I haven't formally asked for help but I plan to before the year ends. At the moment, I am just getting by.
Back to the Zumba class. The reason my interest was piqued, only for one reason, the venue - it was at the Miriam College Integrative Lifestyle and Well-being Center (ILAW Center). Miriam College is my alma mater, and I have been aware of the ILAW Center since 2006. But this is actually the second time I availed of their services. In short, I felt "at home" with the setting.
After celebrating my 33rd birthday last April 30, I made a resolution to "do something" for my health. I would like to work on my overall health, not just mentally but physically and socially. I would steadily make plans to achieve my desire to be an EMT or somewhere near that at least. But I felt that I had to start somewhere where I know I would be comfortable trying something new.
I am not sure if this makes sense - a familiar place to start something new.
I checked the Facebook Page of ILAW Center and saw that they were offering Zumba Class. Dancing is my passion but I have always been insecure about my body and my movements. I had my doubts about going to the class but the drive to attend it was stronger.
I have no regrets. I enjoyed the session; I saw myself move and dance in front of a mirror. I was taken aback by my own movements. I felt confident, happy, and content. Didn't realize my own capability until that moment. It was tiring but it was worth it. I am not sure if this is just temporary, but I am hoping I can maintain and be consistent in going to Zumba class.
The feeling of self-care is a little uncomfortable because I feel I have been pleasing everyone around me for years, and failing. Even before, I felt that doing self-care is selfish especially if you are a mom, like myself. The internal struggle is overwhelming. This is one of the reasons why I decided to "do something" in my life. My mind is bombarded by thoughts that paralyze me to do my day-to-day activities. On the outside, I seem nonchalant, but inside I am spiraling in my own thoughts.
This is just a small step and there is a rough road ahead of me. I am not doing this just for myself, I am also doing this to better care for my daughter. There are more problems I need to deal with and I aspire to overcome them. Finish with grace and my sanity intact.
Hoping for consistency and a peaceful mind in the future.
