A familiar place to start something new

Yesterday was my first time joining a Zumba Class. For some reason. I felt elated and amused at myself. I am once again in limbo since I resigned from my work last January. I have had moments of highs but definitely experienced a number of lows recently. Whenever I feel like this, I tend to revert to my "safe zones." My safe zones are places and activities that I have done before, making me feel secure and lessening my anxiety. Below are activities that I tend to revert to:

• listening to one song repeatedly for weeks and even months.
• watching movies that I have watched before where I can predict the ending.
• waking up later than usual.
• refusing to leave the house unless it's utterly urgent.
• eating more than usual.

I am not sure if I have shared it here before, but I have been struggling with anxiety and depression symptoms since I was in high school. I haven't formally asked for help but I plan to before the year ends. At the moment, I am just getting by.

Back to the Zumba class. The reason my interest was piqued, only for one reason, the venue - it was at the Miriam College Integrative Lifestyle and Well-being Center (ILAW Center). Miriam College is my alma mater, and I have been aware of the ILAW Center since 2006. But this is actually the second time I availed of their services. In short, I felt "at home" with the setting.

After celebrating my 33rd birthday last April 30, I made a resolution to "do something" for my health. I would like to work on my overall health, not just mentally but physically and socially. I would steadily make plans to achieve my desire to be an EMT or somewhere near that at least. But I felt that I had to start somewhere where I know I would be comfortable trying something new.

I am not sure if this makes sense - a familiar place to start something new.

I checked the Facebook Page of ILAW Center and saw that they were offering Zumba Class. Dancing is my passion but I have always been insecure about my body and my movements. I had my doubts about going to the class but the drive to attend it was stronger.

I have no regrets. I enjoyed the session; I saw myself move and dance in front of a mirror. I was taken aback by my own movements. I felt confident, happy, and content. Didn't realize my own capability until that moment. It was tiring but it was worth it. I am not sure if this is just temporary, but I am hoping I can maintain and be consistent in going to Zumba class.

The feeling of self-care is a little uncomfortable because I feel I have been pleasing everyone around me for years, and failing. Even before, I felt that doing self-care is selfish especially if you are a mom, like myself. The internal struggle is overwhelming. This is one of the reasons why I decided to "do something" in my life. My mind is bombarded by thoughts that paralyze me to do my day-to-day activities. On the outside, I seem nonchalant, but inside I am spiraling in my own thoughts.

This is just a small step and there is a rough road ahead of me. I am not doing this just for myself, I am also doing this to better care for my daughter. There are more problems I need to deal with and I aspire to overcome them. Finish with grace and my sanity intact.

Hoping for consistency and a peaceful mind in the future.